Barker Christmas 2014

NOt happy!!

Sometimes I have to write, simply because it's the way I process things, and it is liberating...

Sunday night, 1 week of term to go.
I should be so excited about this and Christmas, just weeks away... but im not. Im trying to be... but my head is in a fog... that I just cant lift. I'm a mess. I am putting it down to tiredness, although I feel like I do nothing compared to so many people all around me. Tiredness really seems like a lame excuse.
 I want to be happy and I get so sick of trying to act happy and like everything is ok... that I fit in... but Im really not happy. I keep telling myself to breathe and everything will be ok... but will it? Im questioning everything in my life, apart form my relationship with God and family. What is next for me? For us? Why did this heart-breaking year have to happen. My heart really did break... and I haven't felt the same again. I have felt like a wanderer, wandering through life, just filling in time, waiting for something... something... something... waiting for the world to make sense again.

A new year is approaching.... I want it to be a great year so badly. I want to feel like I have a purpose again. I want to feel peaceful. I want the grieving to end. I want to heal.  I want to feel normal. I want to find out what my passions are. I want everything to make sense again.

2015. The year that everything made sense again.
I'll leave you with my fave recent picture of me
Pray for me... I need it!!

Bec xxx

Homeschooling Update- Term 4 :)

Wow, here I am in my 4th and final term of homeschooling Malachi.
I just cannot believe how fast the year is flying by.

 
It's been a year of great reward and also enormous frustrations.
My 'I want to homeschool my kids' bubble has been burst, and i'm very pleased to have it out of my system. I'm sure the bubble will return every so often when I get frustrated with the schooling system, (I could write an essay on that) but now I know that it isn't the 'long term' thing for me.

Many times I have felt like a failure, or have gotten really frustrated with Chi when he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. 1 step forward, 5 backwards... that seems to be his pattern. I'm sure my facebook friends are fully aware of this through my occasional homeschooling vents... sorry, but thanks for listening and being there for me!! I have felt like throwing him across the room when he just wont concentrate. ( I didn't, I promise) I have felt like there is no escape from him. He is just always there, in my face, constantly listening to everything I say, he doesn't miss a thing. I have struggled with the balance between teaching him, doing the housework and looking after Elias. My house has been out of control more this year than EVER before, and Elias has watched So much ABC for Kids.

BUT THEN

I feel such pride and joy when I see him progressing.
I feel so relieved when I see him happy and confident. Im just so happy that we took him out of school, there is no doubt in my mind that we did the right thing. He has blossomed, upwards, outwards and inwards haha. He used to look a bit like a skinny runt, not anymore ;) He is all round a happier person, and this makes me sooo happy. I was just so worried about him last year. Have you noticed I like the word 'so'?
I have been stretched BIG TIME in the patience department. I wasn't so good at this at the beginning of the year... but if you could see me now, sitting there with him, patiently while he SLOWLY figures stuff out, you would be so proud!!

I have mixed feelings about sending him back to school next year. On one hand I just cant wait! I'll be free! I can go out without feeling like I should be home teaching. I will be able to catch up with more people, YES! I will be able to sit and have a cup of tea with you without constantly trying to shooo Malachi and his big ears away! I wont have to think about lessons. I wont have to worry that i'm doing a bad job. I will have a break from Chi while he is at school... all this is so so so so good! Im happy that he will be able to go and see his friends, and run around with them at lunch time... this is something he has missed.

BUT I also don't want to send him back. I want to keep him close where I can protect him. I don't want him to compare himself to others and feel bad about himself and his learning. I dont want him to get in trouble from a mean teacher when he cant concentrate because it's too hard. He has come a long way, but still isn't up to his grade level in reading and writing. I had grand plans of sending him back, reading like a pro and surprising everyone... hasn't quite happened, but miracles can happen in a term right?

I have this one last term to help him as much as I can, and i intend to make the most of it!!
I was so impressed hearing him read to me today... and he is only going to get better :) Every morning I pray for a breakthrough, that things will just 'click' and he gets it.

I hope he looks back at this year and remembers it with fondness. I know he really appreciates that I have taken the time to teach him this year, and im so grateful that I could!

Thanks for reading!

Bec xx

a short, sad and happy blog

And just like that it's Term 4...


I'm trying to be positive and embrace the Term with a smile and a lots of motivation but it is a real struggle. I just want to stay in bed. I want to let the world pass me by for a while. Sometimes being positive and happy is really hard, even harder to pretend that everything is ok when you are feeling like your world just sucks. I want to hide away. Run away. At the end of last term I was just hanging in... I needed the holidays so badly... now they have gone and i'm still feeling the same.

We went away for the first week of the holidays. For me it was an escape from reality. I never wanted to come home. I got home and felt so sad. But even if I moved away, it would be the same... you cant escape life. You cant escape things that happen to your family. You cant escape sickness.

Thismorning during my quiet time all I could do was say, God, I need you. I do need God. And he is amazing. He makes those feelings inside, the ones that almost physically hurt, feel peaceful. He soothes my soul. I need to rest in Him daily. Psalm 23 is my fave Psalm, I say it daily... he makes me lay down in green pastures, He restores my Soul...  every verse in that Psalm speaks to me.

I am deciding to get up, and go through the routines of daily life... to love others... and be the best Mum I can be...

happy term 4 :)

Love bec.

Baby Shower cuteness

I was asked by my sister-in-law, Renae, to come and take photos at Nat's baby shower.
Nat had no idea I was coming, and I loved the look on her face when she saw me :)
What a fun, laid back, relaxed baby shower it was. Simply lovely.
I thought i'd share a few of the photos here on my blog, enjoy :)

An emotional introduction by Renae. The friendship these two share is just beautiful.

The handbag game

baby photo match

Present time!!!

Nat you are going to make such an amazing Mum. I'm so excited for you, and cant wait for bubba to arrive!! I predict it will be a boy... but I usually get it wrong ;)

Love Bec x

Captivated

CAPTIVATED by Jesus

The word captivated has been going around and around in my head this week. I talked about it in a short devotion at Connect Group this morning and I though I’d share it with you too.

You’re welcome.

So what does captivated mean and how can we relate this to our relationship with Jesus?

I looked up captivated and it means: strongly attracted, filled with wonder and delight. 

I read that and immediately thought of Todd… and that first time he smiled at me and spoke to me… ahhhhhh, my heart pounded…. And yes, I was filled with wonder and delight and awe. I wanted more… I wanted to see him and talk to Him ALL the time.  I watched Him, I couldn’t take my eyes of him, I couldn’t get enough of him. (I still cant) I was well and truly in love, I WAS CAPTIVATED!!  (Still am)

And do you know what… Jesus wants us to be captivated with HIM! He wants us to be filled with wonder, delight and awe when we talk to Him, and think about Him. He wants us to share secrets with Him and long to hang out with Him. He wants us to love him with everything we have. The question is Do we?? We say we love Jesus, but are really captivated?

The Author John Piper in his book, God Is the Gospel, essentially asks the question are we really in love with God? He writes:

The critical question for our generation- and for every generation is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all your friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?

Challenging thought hey?  If we are deeply in love with God we could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ.

There often seems to be a discrepancy between how we feel about God and how we know we are meant to feel.  Are the words of Psalm 63: 1-5 a reflection of how we feel most days? 

O God, you are my God: I earnestly search for you.

My Soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you

in this parched and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary, and gazed upon Your power and glory.

Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise You. 

^{I will praise You as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer.} 

^{You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy.}

I can honestly say that I don’t feel like that every day! Some days I do! But not everyday… Can anyone else relate?

The world we live in is CRAZY, it’s non stop!

People are in a HURRY! Rushing here and rushing there.

People seriously don’t have time to STOP and THINK!

Society distracts us; we are swallowed by the culture we live in.

When Jesus was on earth he was active and passive. He knew how to STOP and be in God’s presence. I strongly believe that the key for us to to be captivated by Christ is to, like Jesus, stop and slow down to spend time with God. To dwell in His Presence.

We need to find the balance between activity and contemplation.

Stopping to spend time with God is more than just a chore we do so we can tick it off the to do list. It’s more that just an information gaining devotion, it’s a time that we PAUSE FOR HIM. We need to stop and seek Him.  

Seek can be defined as: an attempt to find something. To try and find or discover by searching or questioning…

It is our responsibility to stop and seek God, to search Him, question Him, to know Him intimately, to discover more and more about Him, there is always more to discover. Let him work on changing us, from the inside out.  He says draw near to Him and he will draw near to you.  As we do this our relationship changes, we discover that we want to spend time with Him because we love him and NEED him, and because we are captivated by HIM! It’s a beautiful thing.

 Delight in Him.

Rest in Him.

Meditate on Him.

You know, God longs for this time and relationship with you.  In Zephaniah 3:17 it says: For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.  

I love that! He takes delight in me, He will calm my fears, He will rejoice over me with songs! This is God we are talking about- the creator! He really wants this VERY PERSONAL relationship with me, with us… WOW! I mean, this is seriously WOW!

When I die I want people to say: That Bec, she REALLY loved Jesus.

I don’t want to just say that I love Jesus, and not have the feelings to match.  I want to be whole-heatedly captivated by Him!

I’m going to make time in the day to spend time with Jesus, my lover! To seek His face, to know Him intimately.

Like Psalm 63, I want to be able to honestly say, My soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you. I want to be totally abandoned to Him.

David said in Psalm 92:2- It is good to proclaim Your unfailing love in the morning, Your faithfulness in the evening.

In Psalm 55: 17 it says, “Morning, Noon and Night I cry out to you, and You hear my voice.

If we are captivated, then we don’t want to just switch God on, once a day, then switch Him back off, we want Him near all day. Keep the conversation going with Him. Talk to Him about everything.  He wants to be involved in your life, every moment of the day…

Lets make the decision to stop and take time to seek God, to Know Him, to be filled with wonder and delight-  to be (said with awe) totally CAPTIVATED!

Thankfulness

Thankfulness

The word thankfulness or gratitude seems to be popping up everywhere at the moment.  On facebook, my newsfeed is filled with people stating 3 things they are thankful for that day. On Instagram, people are committing to take a picture everyday of something they are grateful for… it’s like a Gratitude revolution is taking place and I absolutely LOVE IT!   Studies have shown that thankfulness improves our physical and emotional health.  Also that holding onto feelings of thankfulness boosts our immune system and increases blood supply to our heart. Wow!

Thankfulness is a prominent bible theme too.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says,  ‘Be joyful always, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.

Did you catch that? Give thanks in ALL circumstances.  Thankfulness should be a way of life for us, naturally flowing from our hearts and mouths.        

“The whole earth is full of God’s glory. Sky, land and sea, heavy and saturated with God- why do we always forget?”

 Ann Voskamp

By giving thanks continually we are reminded of how much we do have. These days we tend to focus a lot on what we don’t have and begin to feel really dissatisfied with life.  Our consumerist society has a lot to answer for.  We always want to have the latest gadget, a bigger house and of course another camera lens, when most of the time it isn’t possible. When we focus on our blessings rather than our ‘wants’, we are happier. When we start thanking God for things we usually take for granted, our perspective changes… and we realize we could not even exist without the merciful blessings of God!

     Every single molecule, every smile, every taste of sunshine is a gift.

Yes, I would LOVE a bigger house, but im so thankful that I have a house in the first place, so many people are doing it way tougher than me.  You see, Just like that, with one simple thankful thought, my perspective shifts. Thankfulness is powerful… this is why God wants us to give thanks continually. 

We can have a thankful heart towards God even when we do not feel thankful and times are tough. It is hard and may even seem impossible. I know I have failed in this area many times. It is at these times that we need to discipline ourselves to look for the good, instead of complaining and grumbling and feeling like it’s not fair! We need to remember the blessings from last month, from last week, from yesterday and thank God for them! We need to fix our minds on things that are worthy of praise.

We need to say, “God, thankyou that you are in control, and that You are bigger than the problem.”

 “God, thank you that You can bring good out of evil.”

 “God, thankyou that you have great plans for me”

 God, thankyou that You love me”

‘Thankyou for the flowers,  for fresh air, for coffee, for clothes to wear."

We need to look at what we have and be grateful for it.  Continually, in all seasons.  It is life changing and develops our faith.

“I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily.” Ann Voskamp

Another thought to put out there. In developing gratitude we need to look for beauty, in others and in the world around us. We just need to walk outside and we are surrounded by God’s beautiful creation.

  Thank Him for the beauty you see. ! I have found that it is in these moments that I feel              connected to the Creator, and He speaks to my soul in a real personal way. I feel blessed and at  peace. I witnessed this thismorning as we were driving down the outlet into town.  Todd saw the Derwent River, shimmering in the sun and said, "Thankyou Lord for this amazing place that we live. What a blessing.”  After that he teared up, it was beautiful to see. His gratitude created a moment. It was just beautiful. Seek out beauty in nature and be thankful.

 I read this awesome quote:

“All beauty is only reflecetion. And whether I am conscious of it or not, it is a glimpse of His face to which I bow down” Ann Voskamp

 What a beautiful thought!!

I don’t want to go through life feeling sad and grumpy about things. I want to live feeling blessed and grateful, and it is through continual thankfulness that I can!!!  We are happier, more positive people when we live constantly thanking God for his blessings, big and small and look for His beauty in creation daily. 

What are you thankful for today? Im thankful that you are reading my blog.

Love Bec.

Ally and Bec

Once upon a time there was a 12 year old girl called Bec.
One day she was sitting at church when a young, freckled faced girl walked into the building.
This girl smiled at Bec, and Bec immediately knew that she wanted to be friends with this girl.

This girls name was Alison Lord. She walked into the building and wondered who that strange, childish girl, watching her was. Little did she know that Bec was putting together a plan, a plan that would set them up to be friends, a friendship that has now been strong for 20 years. This is our story.

Younger days performing 'We're a Couple of Swells'.

It was the January school holidays after year 6.  I got Mum to invite the Lord family over for Sunday lunch so we could get to know each other. I remember taking Ally outside and showing off by doing cartwheels off our beam. She wouldn't even attempt it. Ally was all set to start at Kingston High and then her parents decided to send her to my school... yes... it was all coming together nicely. Before school went back I invited her over for a sleepover so we could really get to know each other. She chatted about boys the whole time and I thought she was wild. I managed to tame her and we became the best of friends. We were pretty much inseparable from that moment on.

We went through high school and youth group together, while growing up in the same church. We were so innocent. We spent our time watching Shirley Temple movies, playing schools and churches (in the early days)and  recording ourselves onto tapes for hours as we made up radio stations. We sang and danced. Ally is a brilliant singer, I used to go and watch her sing in Eisteddfods. We had crushes on boys, I was the flirt, she wasn't so much.

After high school we went of to Guilford together for College, where I may or may not have pushed he into a wall, and knocked her unconscious for a few seconds. I thought i'd killed her and ran off ready to hide! Here we both suffered through 2 years of music with Mr Parkinson and I had the privilege of watching her kiss Caine in Kismet, haha :) Then we both enrolled into a Bachelor of Arts, choosing 2 of the same subjects. Wherever Ally was, I was. We even did a year of Italian School on a Saturday morning during year 10. We got our drivers license in the same week, and our first wild trip out together on our own was to Maccas- oh the freedom we experienced that week!!

I have so many stories I could tell you, like the time I told Debby (Ally's mum) that Ally had a date that night with a guy who rode a motorbike...I told the whole story about how they met... she was so worried and panicked! She was trying to get Keith (Ally's dad) to tell Ally she couldn't go. Well of course I'd just made the whole thing up and when Deb found out she chased me down the steps and out the front door, screaming, "Im going to get you Rebecca Stossich." HA There was lots of laughter afterwards :)

A trip down memory lane...

Did I mention that we used to dress up and take photos. We must have been pretty bored?

Our lives have now taken different paths. Ally lives in Melbourne with her husband Adam and Im still here in Tassie with my tribe. We don't see each other much, but when we do, we just pick up from where we left off.  A couple of months ago she called, and when I heard her voice I just started laughing, then this made her laugh... I mean, who needs hello when you can just laugh.

THANKYOU SO MUCH Al my pal, Alsation, Charlie, Ally for being my beast (not a typo) friend. We were the best. We still are pretty great. SEE YOU SOON :)

Love Bec x

6 years on...

Today marks 6 years since Todd whacked his head and has been suffering with Post Concussive Syndrome. What a life changing event. I just read through my journal from that time, and thought I would share some of what it was like...

On Wednesday 6th August 2008 I wrote in my journal: 

 "On Friday night Todd fainted. Chi was in the bathroom with him and BANG (that's what I heard) he passed out, whacked his head on the medicine cabinet and landed on my CD player (which now doesn't work) and a poor innocent toilet roll which is squashed. Chi came running out to me saying, "Daddy fall over", so I went in and he was lying there on the floor and he wouldn't respond to me! At first I thought he may be playing a trick on me,  but he wasn't!!  He came around, very confused and groggy, he brushed it off and went to bed. The next day he started to stutter and not be able to get words out. His head was still dizzy and groggy. By Sunday we finally got him to the Emergency Room. They did a brain scan and it came back clear, what a relief! It's hopefully just a bad concussion. To Todd's disgrace the Doctor has made him have a week off work! His speech has improved alot today which is good."

Tuesday 21st August I wrote:

"We went back to Emergency cos Todd wasnt getting any better. He now has another week off work, can't drive and has to go to the Brain Injury Clinic next week. Apparently Todd's brain will heal on it's own, it better! On Sunday night he couldnt work out how to get the car into reverse- weird as this brain stuff."

Saturday 30th August 2008 I wrote: 

Todd is still sick. We went to the Brain Injury Clinic and he has to have more tests to see if there is something really wrong with his brain. He has to have at least another month off work and isn't allowed to drive. He has to see a neuro-psychologist, clinical psychologist, an occupational therapist and a speech therapist- hmmmm- im trying not to worry- but it's hard. He is so not well at the moment and he cant do much without feeling sick.

Monday 8th September 2008: 

I'm so anxious. I just want to cry my eyes out, but I can't. Man i'm mad! I just want Todd to be normal again- i'm finding it so floppin hard. He has no sick days left and in fact has been overpaid 4 days. Oh my Goodness, we are stuffed!!! I really need God cos I cant shake the heaviness of the situation. Todd is ALWAYS sick and it's just terrible- not Todd- the sickness, HELP ME."


Thursday 30th October 2008: 

"Well didn't we get a surprise when we went to the clinic thismorning and the Doc said that Todd has stuff in his brain that's not normal, that had shown up on his MRI. Not quite what we were expecting. It could be MS. But we say 'No it's not in Jesus name'. Hmmmm... trying to stay positive. 

Hello present Bec back :)

Wow, all of that was 6 years ago... i'd like to add that during this time we had 3 kids under 3... Jazzy was 3 weeks old when Todd hit his head... craziness. Todd doesn't have MS, but we had to wait 6 months to get in to see the Brain specialist, so that was a worrying 6 months for sure!

Todd initially had 3 months off work and even now hasn't been able to work full time. He still has headaches daily and can't over do it, or he is back on the couch with all the side effects returning- stuttering, dizziness,  memory and concentration problems, low tolerance, grumpiness and depression. I used to dread Winter cos I knew he would get so down.  This winter has been so good, no depression!! YAY! But I must say, the memory still has a long way to go, don't expect him to remember everything you tell him :)  Stress and tiredness also bring these symptoms on. So when I say Todd is sick, or Todd's head is playing up again, you now know what i'm referring too. I'm constantly assessing everything he does and asking if he really thinks that's wise... sometimes something like mowing the lawn can put him on the couch for a day. I still have to drive regularly as his head just doesn't have the cognitive ability to do so. It's definitely altered our lifestyle and plans in life, but he is alive, and we have a lovely family, we are so blessed!! I used to always say to him, "No you CANNOT get a tattoo." But after all of this I was like, "Get a tattoo, it really doesn't matter, i'm just so glad you are alive"(so he got 3) Little things like that don't really matter in the big picture. 

Todd was always relaxed, easy going  and a real joker. I didn't see this Todd for about 5 years... he was a different person. But now he has started joking and teasing again. When I first saw it returning, I was like, "What on earth, he is crazy", and then I remembered, this was the Todd I married!  I'd forgotten.  Now when Todd smiles it makes me so happy, I appreciate every smile. There is nothing I love more than seeing him playing and laughing with the kids. 

The kids pray every night that God will make Daddy's head better. We see improvements and it is so encouraging, we are believing for total restoration! Please pray and believe with us!!! I am excited for the future! God has this!!!

Thanks for reading my memoirs lovely people
I still don't like that medicine cabinet ;)

Love Bec xx

Kids vs Social Media

Does anyone else ever feel like sometimes they are the worst parent ever?

We recently had school holidays and I told Mattea that I would have a full day that I wouldn't  go on the computer at all, her whole face lit up and she was so happy. At the end of the holidays she comes to me and says, " You didn't have a day where you didn't go on your computer". Id totally forgotten! This makes me sad. Is doing absolutely nothing important on my computer more important than spending time with my kids? Of course not! I was so annoyed at myself. I felt like id let my kids down, and wasted precious moments with them. I still spent time with them, we had some lovely trips out and about as a family... but still the look on her face when I said about not using my computer was priceless, like i'd offered to buy her something amazing. I didn't realise how much me sitting at my computer impacted her.  Giving kids the attention they need is so important. If your child starts saying "Stupid facebook", like my girl has then it's time to make some changes.

So i've decided to pull back from social media just a bit. Im allocating myself times where I turn my computer off and put my phone down. How silly is it that i'm so addicted that I have to put these restrictions on myself. My kids are so precious to me and they are only little for such a short time. I already feel like i've wasted so much of their lives sitting here looking at this screen.

I want to be a better parent. I want to pay more attention to the little things. I dont want to be distracted and only give them half my attention cos i'm busy on my computer. I want to be in the moment with them (even if it gives me a headache). I want to eat tea without checking instagram... my goodness im a sad case.

Jazzy broke his tooth last night and had to get it fixed thismorning. I was sitting on my computer editing photos when  it happened and thought he was just being sooky, so i didn't pay him much attention. Todd cuddled him and gave him nurofen, and I sat here with my photos. As I sat there watching the  dentist fix his tooth I felt so bad. Why hadn't I been the one to give him cuddles when he was hurting. Why didn't I take his tears seriously, instead of brushing them off as sooky. He is back at school now and I just want to cuddle him and tell him how brave he is and how proud I am of him. It wont be long and he wont want my cuddles and kisses all the time. I must make the most of it now. I must get off the computer now and make sure Elias has eaten his lunch... I need to put my kids first, before my blog, before Facebook, before Instagram, before Pinterest, before editing photos...

So there you go... another ramble :)
Thanks for clicking on the link and reading, means lots

Love Bec x

Winter Wonderland

Today we took the family on a snow hunt

WE FOUND SOME

Our adventure took us to the top of Mt Wellington. They had just re-opened the top and the snow was fresh and untouched. As we were playing the snow began to fall again, and for a moment all time stood still, and we got lost in a magical Winter Wonderland.

But keeping it real, it was FREEZING! Elias was out of the car for a few minutes before it all got too much and we returned him to the car, he watched us play from the window. Jazzy lasted a little bit longer before it all got too cold for him too. I must say this was the perfect opportunity to sing "Do you want to build a snowman?"Jaz bought a carrot along just incase.

 Let the snow fight begin...