Christmas Video 2017

Hello Hello Hello!!

Of course there is a 2017 edition of the Barker Family Christmas Video!!

ENJOY and Merry Christmas xxxxx

LOVE BEC XXXXXXX

Christmas Video 2016

Christmas Video 2015

Here is our 2015 Christmas Family video.  It's become a tradition to make one every year.

SO Merry Christmas from our silly family to yours :)

2015, TICK!

And just like that, term 4 2015 is complete!

Here my darlings are on the first day

and last night before Celebration Night

THE HAVE DEFINITELY GROWN!
Next year there will be 4 in the picture. What? NO! YES! 

It has been a good year. It didnt look exactly how I had imagined it...
Firstly we left Hillsong Hobart, I didnt see that coming. What a great church. It was the perfect place for us to serve, as we got through one of the hardest years of our lives. We made some lovely friends, and have amazing memories from our time there.
Secondly, we sold our house and bought another! This was definitely not on the cards! I still cant believe that it actually happened. Not something I want to go through again in a LONG time! I haven't cleaned since, now we just live feral.

So much can happen in a year.

I wonder what 2016 will bring. Something I totally don't expect, if the last few years are any indication ;) I know for the first part of the year we are moving in with my parents, so that will very different!!! And im totally excited about moving into our new house a little later on...
Elias starts Kinder so that is going to be a huge adjustment too... i'll probably just spend the first month crying, I do alot of that these days. I'm a true Barker girl now ;0)

WHO KNOWS WHAT IS IN STORE FOR ME!!!


BUT for now, holidays have just begun. Jaz is sitting on the couch finger knitting, Chi is making everyone a hot chocolate and Taya is chilled out on the couch watching tv. Time to relax... before we get serious about packing. 1 month today till this house settles.

Thanks for reading my thoughts!!

Love Bec x

moving sentiments

Its about 10 minutes after I've tucked them into bed and said their prayers that the tears start. Enough time for them to settle and their little minds to start thinking. Jazzy walks out looking heartbroken, "I don't want to move. This is the only house I've ever known, I've lived here all my life. Why didn't you buy a bigger house in the first place anyway?" We cuddle and I assure him that everything is going to be OK.

Mattea comes out crying, "I'm scared I'll leave something here" I assure her all drawers and cupboards will be empty and nothing will be left behind. We cuddle on the couch and the tears eventually stop.

We are walking through the supermarket and Elias says to me, " I don't want to move. I like our house."I scoop him up and hold him close.

My little people are struggling with the idea of moving house. It's their first move. They must be sentimental like me. I still feel a hint of sadness when I drive past houses I lived in as a child. I must admit, the idea of leaving my home of the last 12.5 years is tugging at my heart strings too. This basic, weatherboard house has been our home, a loving, happy home. So many memories here and it will always hold a special place in my heart. Fond, fond memories.

I'm dreading the moment we shut the door behind us and never return. But also excited for our next house, wherever that might be!

Farewell from sentimental Bec xxxx

A short, strange little post

As I was cooking tea tonight I was wishing that vegetables tasted nicer. It would make them so much easier to eat. I try so hard to like them but I just don't! I just chew them round and round, then swallow them as quick as I can.  I don't enjoy a moment of it. "Eat your vegetables kids" I say. I wish they tasted better.

Elias has been crying and heartbroken for the last hour. The Octonouts watch he got today, broke.  He is so sad. I just sat at the table and cried with him. I couldn't help it. I just feel so sad for him. It would have been such a moving photo. Both of us sitting there with tears streaming down our faces. Where is a photographer when you need one??

Im at that point where I need a break. I was thinking about disappearing.
Todd might end up on that missing person show because his wife has just vanished into thin air. He will be on tv crying and telling me that if i'm watching I need to contact him, and let him know Im ok. He will tell me he needs me and loves me. It will be heartbreaking. There will shots of my poor abandoned children, looking sad cos they miss their mum. The viewers will be tweeting #heartbreaking #selfish woman #those poor poor children. Meanwhile I will have taken up a new identity in another country. My poor family, my poor parents. It's all a bit much really when I think about it this way. I think I might re-consider.

Todd has gone out to a meeting. I cried when he left.  I mean all we'd do if he was here was sit on the couch and watch a TV show. Id probably end up falling asleep and then be rudely woken by my snoring. I didn't want him to leave me here alone with them. They scare me. They are loud and fierce. They don't like to listen to me. I do love my kids. I mean just a minute ago they called me in to watch them jump from the top bunk and land on their bellies on a mattress on the floor. They called it 'The Bellyflop." I can report that there were no casualties. Ive now told them to go to bed...
This is the part of the night where I begin to lose it. Freedom is so close, so close, I can almost reach out and touch it... but not quite. My patience wears very thin, as the minutes tick away and they don't settle down. I like my evenings. My child free time. They are precious. They are VITAL.

GO TO SLEEP!!

This blog is a blog about nothing. Just my evening and my random thoughts.
It's me. I must go and pray with the kids... wish me luck as I embark on my journey into freedom ;)

Love Bec

negative vs positive

This morning I was happily sitting in the sun, sipping my tea and thinking about life when suddenly the thought, 'life sucks' dropped into my head. It just snuck up on me, like the kids do when I have chocolate,  and I found myself responding by agreeing and thinking of all the reasons why life sucks. It went something like this: Todd was sick all holidays and has gone back to work sick, that's not fair... how on earth do I keep this house clean for the 2 open homes on the weekend... its not like we will ever find a house to move into anyway.... why on earth did Todd say we need to get the house on the market already... why cant he have patience... now he is sick... grrrrrr far out Todd... I cant live like this... so and so didn't like my photo of Instagram, they mustn't like me anymore... It's cos im fat... id have more friends if I was skinny...why am I so fat... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

WAIT WHAT??   Im just innocently sitting here enjoying the sun and my tea and wham... life suddenly sucks! Ridiculous!!! One little negative thought planted itself in my mind, then grew and grew suddenly changing my whole outlook on the day and the 'oh so horrible life' that im living. CRAZY CRAZY!! Does this happen to you too??

I really need to take control of these thoughts that pop into my head and not let them ruin my day and turn me into a negative person. I need to reject them before the set root in my mind. I want my thoughts to be Godly and uplifting. I want my thoughts to set me up to succeed in life, to have positive relationships and a positive outlook. I want my face to be radiant, not sad looking cos my negative thoughts are eating me up on the inside.  I want positive confessions to come out of my mouth!! You see, my life really doesn't suck! I have an amazing husband, 4 kids, a house... i'm living the dream! I have an amazing God who loves me and cares for every detail of my life. My life is good.

I could go on and on but I wont. You get the idea.
I started writing this blog with no idea what I was going to write about and this all came out...
Amazing! I feel alot more positive now. The sun is shining again on the outside and the inside.
Time for another cuppa

Thanks for reading
love bec xx

term 2 challenge

And just  like that Term 1 was over and now the holidays are OVER!
Time, I have an idea, SLOW DOWN! My kids are getting too big! Just stop and give us a moment, please. I'm scared, literally. This year is not meant to go this fast.

Ok , so now that you all know that I think time is going too fast i'll move on.
Term 2, hello!! I'm going to embrace you and see you as a new season to make the most of. Even though these weren't exactly my sentiments when the alarm went off thsimorning. Speaking of alarms, my alarm is set to play a Kari Jobe song, which was a bad idea cos now every time I hear this song I cringe and get that horrible 'i have to get up' feeling. I'm sure you all know the feeling. Sorry Kari, I really do like you. Anyway, back to the point, ummm what was the point?...  oh yeah, the alarm went off, AND TERM 2, HERE I AM EMBRACING YOU... hugs.

This term, I have given myself the challenge to stay calm in the morning during the 'get them out the door 'madness. I know right, what was i thinking, BUT this is my challenge. I don't want to raise my voice, I don't want them to leave the house with my frantic yelling echoing through their heads. I want them to feel positive and calm as they head off to learn and be amazing, loving people. I need to be the responsible one and help them by setting the tone for the day, a positive tone, not a negative one. I can do this. I will do this. This morning I stayed very calm, even when my kids wouldn't wake up. All through the holidays they are up at 6:00am being noisy... but today, nope, all still snoring at 6:30 (and yes, they really do all snore). The second Jazzy opened his eyes he told me he was sick and  that, "vomit just came into my mouth". I had to literally pick Mattea up and carry her out of bed (she's getting heavy) as she cried, real tears, about being too tired to go to school. I did warn her this might be the case last night, when she wouldn't go to sleep cos she wanted to write 100 maths sums to show her teacher today. Strange child. Through the tears and pretend vomit I stayed calm and reassured them that everything was ok. They left smiling and happy and I didn't raise my voice :) I stood at the door and happily waved as they drove off, what a nice start to the day.  1 day down, millions to go!

So next time you see me ask me how my calm mornings are going, I might need reminding :)
Thanks for reading and I hope you all have an amazing term 2.
It is now time for me to have a cup of tea.

LOVE BEC
xxxx

A year ago...

A year ago.

A year ago a friend and I were saying, "In a years time we will look back on this and..."

A year ago life changed.

I expected things would be so much better by now... I expected that new and wonderful things would have happened.  For some it may have, but this is my story, I cant tell anyone else's story.

Last week at Colour I saw people open and up and become really vulnerable as they shared their story. I fought back tears the whole conference. It's time for me to share a few thoughts and the struggles i've been facing since the church I helped plant and grew up in, the church I loved and gave everything to, without warning, came crashing down, leaving casualties galore.


I expected that the feelings of anger, betrayal and injustice would have eased by now. They are not as raw as they were of course, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel them.

I didn't expect that forgiveness would be such a big issue. I think i've forgiven certain people and then I think about them and feel so much anger. SO much anger. I was chatting to a friend about this earlier this week and she had some good advice... when you think about it, direct your anger at Satan and not the person.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. Yesterday I told God that I am lost and need help. I cant do it without Him.

I didn't expect that i'd be the one crying every second church service I go to, still. Everyone must think im a blubbering mess of a person. This is so not like me, or was not like me!!

I didn't expect to read blogs about broken people and sob cos I understand.

I didn't expect to become so critical of church's and their leadership. I look for power plays among the leadership. It's like i've become a spectator, watching what goes on and becoming critical of anything I dont think is 'normal'. Cant believe I just admitted that out loud!! 

I didnt expect to feel so alone, and have to work out who I can trust all over again. I lost friends. Ive had to make new ones. After being in the same church for 22 years, this is daunting!!

I didnt expect going to church to become a decision i'd have to make. I'd always been so excited about going every week. I never considered not going.... I am in a great church now, don't get me wrong... but things haven't been the same since that day. When I see people all excited about church it just makes me miss what was.

At Colour,  Christine Caine said that in 2014 she saw more Pastors under attack and brought down than ever before. The devil must be getting pretty desperate! She then went on to say that it wasn't God's plan. Yes I teared up,  I believe what happened wasn't God's plan and if anyone tells me, "It was God's will", I will punch them hard! It's not God's will for people to be hurt and break. God is into building His church, He is into mercy and grace. Not tearing people down.

I really believe that 2015 is the year of restoration, body, soul and spirit.
I am going to be found in God's word as His living water brings healing.
I will keep my eyes on Jesus as I continue on this healing process.


Thanks for reading my thoughts. It's not easy being honest , but I feel like I need to. It's a part of the healing process.

Love Bec xxx

On your 4th birthday

10 Things I Love About Elias

Im sitting here thinking about what to write about Elias and i just want to cry. 

He is so very precious to me. He is my 4th baby and without him I didn't feel complete.

 

1. Elias, I love the way you want cuddles, all the time. You come to me and say, "Cuddles on the couch". One cuddle isn't enough for you, you want to snuggle on the couch, you want my undivided attention. Once you have me sitting and relaxed you go to the bookshelf and bring over a book for me to read to you, then another and another... seriously,  if you had your way we would just snuggle and read books all day. I love you my cuddly, snugly boy.

2.  Elias, I love the way you dance and groove to music along with your older siblings. You are just way too cool. You dramatically mimic the words to all the songs and have the happiest look on your face. Keep grooving my dear boy!

3. Elias, I love how you love to look at photos, especially of yourself (So my child)! You daily look through the photos on my phone, and will show them to anyone who will take the time to look. You laugh, and describe whats going on. It warms my heart.

4. Elias, I love how you get up in the morning and say, " I want some lunch." I correct you and say breakfast, but you still say lunch every morning. Just now you asked for lunch when we were serving up tea.

5. Elias, I love the way you can sit at my computer for ages and watch play dough YouTube clips. You absolutely love them, I don't understand why, but hey, it gives me time to get the housework done :) You absolutely love play dough and play with it everyday!

6. Elias, every time you paint and draw, or write on a foggy window, you write a big E . You are so proud of your E's. Recently you've started writing an l next to it. You'll be writing your whole name before you know it. I love it! E is your trademark.

7. Elias. I love it how you play schools with your older siblings. They find work for you and set you up a work area. Mattea makes a chart and puts a sticker on it when you've finished your task. You love the attention,  you are clever and smart.

8. Elias, I love that you have FINALLY started sleeping through... most nights anyway. A couple of times a week you still wake up crying and when you see me walk through the doorway you say, "Cup of Milk". I get one, you drink it, and you go straight back to sleep. Im back in bed within 2 minutes. Thankyou Elias for letting me get some sleep. I love sleep.

9. Elias, I love that your dad has brainwashed you into responding to the name Giovanni. Your dad loves to tease you and you love to tease him back. He has also brainwashed you into sometimes calling your teddy, who you call teddy, Bruce! The other day I asked you if your name was Bruce, and you said, "No, teddy is Bruce" I love your sense of humor E.

10.  Elias, I love how excited you are about your party tomorrow. I have never seen you so excited about something before. It is a Minion Party and you LOVE the minions!! You keep talking to me about party hats, party bags and all the lollies that are going to be at your party. I want this party to be amazing because it's the first time you have ever been excited about you birthday. Last year we told you it was your birthday and you told us that it wasn't! I want you to love every minute. I want it to be perfect, just for you.

Elias, no words can describe my love for you.  I'm so glad I have this year at home with just you. It is going to be so special. Your little voice, your little hand in mine, your little feet you like me to tickle... I want to treasure every moment.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY.

School's Back

And just like that, school has gone back.
Jazzy had an amazing idea last night: "How bout we go to school for one year and then stay home for one year..."  Amazing idea but I dont think it would go down to well :)
Mattea also had an idea last night, " How bout I stay home, wear my trackies and snuggle on the couch all day." I didnt think that would go down too well either!

Although they had these amazing ideas I think they were very pleased to be going back and seeing their friends again. Jazzy was so nervous I had to force him to eat breakfast. This is a child who  usually eats 6 pieces of toast!

It was harder than I thought letting Chi go. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He was so brave, I knew he was nervous but he was trying not to show it.

He looks so much bigger in his uniform this time. My how he blossomed in that one year.
Im so nervous, I do not want his confidence shattered... we worked so hard trying to build it up. We bulldozed through the walls he had built around him when he wasn't coping in class. We got past the meltdowns and started to achieve... a little...we had to do so much foundational work to get him to this  place. My hope is that this will continue and that going back to school is a positive thing. Please keep him in your prayers. Im so thankful for the year I had at home with him. He went from a sad, little boy to a bright eyed, confident boy.

Now it is just Elias and I at home. A whole new world! Ive got so much I want to do this year that my head is in a blur and I don't know where to start! It's time to write lists !!!!!! The world makes more sense with lists!

Thanks for reading, Its definitely cup of tea time for me

Love Bec xxx

2014 statuses- Jan to May :)

2014 in the life of bec barker...

January

1st: The best is yet to come.

1st: Must be time for some hot cross buns ;)

1st: If you're going to fight like animals you can go outside and live, like the animals.

      Things you find yourself saying!
                                
4th: Just had way too much fun at Birchalls

10th: Lying in bed thinking about how much I love my life, my God, my kids and my people.          
 Now it  must be time to get up and have a cup of tea.
.13th: We just pulled into the caravan park and Jaz isn't impressed. He thought we were camping "in the wild"

16th: The world is a brighter place after a 10min hot shower.

17th: Home from camping. I have already had a nap on the couch.

18th: I need a holiday
 
19th: Blessed are those who dwell in His house.

19th: HOTSPOTS parents, don't forget to bring a spare pair of clothes for your kids... it's wet and gooey week

20th: Todd's gone to school... I get to have the tennis on :0)

21st: There is a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means.
 

25th: Honk if you're happy!

26th: Today I am thankful for this country. Thankful that we are free to gather together and worship God. People, don't take this for granted.

26th: I think I should get some running shoes like Nadal's.

 February

2nd: Night church. Seriously nothing better than worshipping God. YOU are God in the Highest!

3rd: I just got out all of my teaching resources form my teaching days, im currently in resource heaven.... looking forward to starting schooling Chi on Wednesday

 4th: I just put Jazzy in his school uniform... oh my heart, how beautiful!!

5th: Term 1! Let's do this!

5th: Homeschooling for 10 mins and Chi says, "I struggled with this but now you have explained it properly.

5th: Im being dedicated and going to the school dedication service...

6th: It was my 2 year old throwing a tantrum in Big W cos he wanted a skateboard...

6th: I need to lay down. The end.

9th: So the best is yet to come. I can't wait.

9th: The kids are doing shows for old Nan and then asking for money at the end. It worked the first time... Not sure it will work again kids.

9th: The weather is wild! Todd is out trying to stop the fence from blowing over.

9th: A man has been killed near the Margate train cos a tree fell on his car. Sad. That wind was crazy.

11th: This time 3 years ago I was climbing into Todd's ute and heading to the hospital to have a baby. We just made it to the hospital with 20mins to spare before out he popped HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELIAS SHEM xxx

14th: cup of tea come to me...

14th: God help me...

20th: The art of staying calm. Really I want to throw the child across the room. I won't.

26th: In the last fortnight our 2 DVD players and our T-Box have all stopped working... what is this telling me?

26th: I'm going to get on the floor and do some sit ups right now, I really am... In a minute...

27th Without God, everything would feel so hopeless.



March

2nd: "Don't run around like wild animals, you are not animals, you are children"

3rd: Having a drink at The Beach with my sister, so nice to have her here. Don't leave Liv!!!

7th: I cleaned out and vacuumed the car without even a hint from Todd to do it... im in shock!
11th: Sometimes getting out of bed feels evil.

13th: Im doing my usual thing and watching Colour Conf backstage... one day I will get there!!!

14th: I just told Todd that I registered for Colour Conf 2015... he took it quite well!! Mum has registered too... anyone else ??

16th: My ear is throbbing, my throat is throbbing... I'm on communion today. God, help me!!

16th: Cos I'm haappyyyyyyyy

16th: Don't procrastinate when it comes to God!!! Dont wait till tomorrow!

16th: We had a great youth service tonight. I love the young people. I love God's presence. I love the young people in God's presence. I love diving for lollies at the front with the young peeps too... THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

18th: Ive been reading Acts thismorning, those early disciples were fully giving everything to see people surrender their lives to Jesus. I want to be more like them!!!!!!

24th: We went to the parents for tea. I walked in and Ana was sitting there smiling at me... I burst into tears! I wasn't hallucinating, she was really there! Im so happy.

25th: Happiness is an emotion, Joy is deeper. I must fight for my joy. I must open my heart to wonder and beauty and always find a reason to rejoice.

25th: The kid's night light in the hallway wasn't plugged in. I had to get up and plug it in... I dont think I can sleep without it!!

26th: There is a $2 coin sitting in the bottom of the washing machine. The only problem is that there is a big scorpion sitting right next to it.

27th: Last Man standing Todd Barker and Matthew Stossich.

27th: Todd turned all the lights off and went to bed. I'm sitting here on the couch in the dark. I suppose it must bedtime.

28th: God sees the big picture. He is in control. Amen.

29th: Oh my goodness.

30th: It's Sunday, let's do this. KFC peeps let's go and praise God, despite whatever is going on He deserves the Highest praise!! His mercies are new every morning. Love you all xxx

31st: exhausted, physically, emotionally... just exhausted. Dreaming of a holiday !!

April

1st: Sitting here at gymnastics and there is a little baby next to me. I want it. I've never thought about kidnaping before...

5th: Tomorrow the Lovely Leeza is preaching, her first Sunday morning sermon!! Let's all be there and support her. See you soon!!! Xxx

6th: Church Day!! Im so excited. I love to go and worship God!!

6th: At church: so far I've swept up hundreds of bugs, removed lots of cigarette butts from the front steps, searched for song words for the singers folders, scootered around the auditorium on the crèche scooter... And there is still over and hour till the service starts love it!!

6th: I'm getting lots of practice at giving my anger over to God lately... I have to let it go or it will eat me up and make me bitter!

7th: What a teary season final of Love Child. Brilliant.

8th: paper mache Greek vases.... that's what is on my mind.

8th: I will not fail you or abandon you. Joshua 1:5

8th: At gymnastics again... If I reach out my hand I could touch that baby...

9th: So many feelings and emotions flowing through me right now

11th: I dont like driving down the road and realizing I forgot to put my false tooth in

11th: papier mache vases, what have i got myself into!!

11th: Tomorrows bec is going to hate me cos I didnt clean the kitchen tonight.

12th: Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Surely, not maybe, but SURELY!

12th: heartbroken

13th: This last week I have cried more tears than ever before. I have experienced more anger than ever before. I have felt injustice and betrayal. It has been a tough week and I want to thank those who have inboxed me and shown me love. Means so much. Love you xx

13th: So anyway, last night I had the most random dream. I dreamt I was babysitting for the man who lives next door to church and complains about the sound all the time.

14th: The Bible. Dont brush over the words. Ponder them. Meditate. Understand them. let the truths sink deep into your being. They will change you, bit by bit. it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

15th:It's a sitting on the couch eating noodles kinda day.

15th: Ive got some lovely friends! I got some flowers yesterday, today too!! THANKYOU THANKYOU!!

16th: I never did show and tell at school... I was way tooooooo shy...Im making up for it now on Facebook

20th: The kids just led us in an Easter service. It was beautiful. Todd pulled out his guitar and played along xx

26th: Happy 11th Wedding Anniversary to Toddy and I. I love us.

28th: I'm in bed. Just rang the home phone from my mobile and asked chi to make me a cup of tea.

28th: The kids are outside writing songs for the chicken cos they think it is dying...I hear "Goodbye, Oh I love you, I love you". It isn't dying... just resting in the sun.

29th: I think the kids may have been onto something when they were writing a song for the dying chicken... it's not dead but it's not seeming healthy at all!

May

1st: Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day!

4th: Once these kids are in bed it's milo and marshmallow time. Hurry up kids

5th: What a blessed life I have. I get to stay home and teach my child. So grateful.

5th: It's called being flexible to combat the meltdowns.

5th: Be the first to love, be the first to be generous, be the first to serve.

6th: I will not eat junk food, I will not eat junk food, I will not eat junk food, I will not eat junk food, I will not eat junk food...

7th: Sometimes I just see someone and I know that we are meant to be friends... something within me just knows... even when i haven't met them yet.

8th: Seems like im going to be without computer for a while... my computer seriously died. This is not good. I miss my music, and my photo edit

8th: Apple are sending me a replacement computer!!!!!!

10th: Happy Birthday to my Dad, Leo Stossich! I wouldn't be who I am today without your direction and love. Also happy graduation day!!! I can now call you Dr Leo!!

15th: I love it when I look at my child and I see one of my expressions on their face.

17th: We need a bigger house. The end.

17th: When I start to feel that life is unfair...I start worshiping God. My focus shifts from me to God and His greatness... and suddenly everything is ok.

20th: It seems that all of my photos before last year have vanished without a trace. For a photo person like me, that really sucks. I'm glad I got some printed every so often.

20th: The photos in my albums are suddenly very precious.

21st: At woollies. Forgot to get my bags out of the car again.

21st: BEC BARKER step away from the pizza!!!

23rd: 20 mins until my THEAC visit... trying to remain cool, calm and confident.

23rd: THEAC visit done! If only I had a block of chocolate to eat to celebrate!!

25th: If you don't have a church to call home then come along to the Menzies Center, Campbell St Hobart ,10:30. We are waiting to welcome you !!

25th: My parents are home from China... I can't wait to see them tomorrow!!!

26th: Winter Spice tea, mmmmm

27th: Only throw the stone if you are perfect!!

27th: Sometimes you just have to stop everything and turn up the music

THANKS FOR READING
love bec

 

Changes

So things are changing this year.
Todd is going back to full time work after 6 years part time. He feels it's time, so he is stepping out, and we are trusting  that it will all work out with his silly head troubles. Ive been so lucky to have him home with me every Wednesday and im going to miss this big time! No more Wednesday breakfasts!! Im trying to be a very supportive wife... trying.

So Todd has said that I have to take up the cooking responsibility. Ive also been lucky enough to have a husband who has cooked for most of our 12 years of marriage. So for me, this is a huge thing. Im going to be like one of those normal wives who have to cook... flip! So i've done my freaking out and now Im determined to become an amazing cook. Everyone is going to be hanging out for an invitation to my place to eat MY food :) This does sound hilarious as I am very clumsy in the kitchen and nothing ever seems to work for me. Earlier on in our marriage we had a chef  live with us for a year, and i can still hear her saying to me, "Im sorry Bec, but there is no way I would ever hire you as a kitchen hand." Hmmmm, it will be a challenge but I can only get better!!

Tonight was my first night. It worked out amazingly, Malachi cooked a BBQ for me ;) I did make the salad of course. Hehehe one night down! Todd got home from work and stood in the kitchen and then said, "I dont need to be in here," and walked out. He then stood in the dining room looking very lost. I assured him that he was very welcome to go back into the kitchen and start cooking, but he wouldn't, not even to make the salad! The good news is that he is still going to be cooking Friday night pizza! YAY I get Friday night off... I love Friday's already!! So if you ever feel the urge to cook me a meal and bring it over feel free.... just kidding ofcourse, but seriously...

So im sure I will blog some of my cooking disasters and some of my cooking successes.
Stay Tuned.

Love Bec xxx

Mess and Chaos- Motherhood!

Im having one of those days. One of those days where things just wont clean.
Where a child goes outside for 2 minutes and returns covered in mud, after throwing mud at his sister and her friend. One of those days where you take the child into the bathroom to clean them up and see how disgustingly messy the bathroom is, and sneak in a prayer that no-one will visit today. You overhear the above mentioned friend say, as they walk into your children's bedroom, "Don't you ever have to clean your room?" Cringe. I blame that there are 4 kids in one room and too much stuff to keep clean... but hey, at least I folded the washing thismorning!!

As I type one child is throwing stuff at another, and one just spilt milk all over the carpet. It doesnt end... the mess and the chaos just goes on and on... it's my fault. Im the one who had 4 kids right? ha.

SHUT THE FLYSCREEN!!! DONT THROW THINGS AT THE KIDS NEXT DOOR!!


Sometimes I lose it, and yell. After this, the next time I have to hang the washing on the line I hope I don't see the neighbors. Why do they build houses so close??I feel like the worst parent around. BUT Sometimes my kids are angels and I think, wow, what a good parent I am! What awesome little people I have... yay for my kids :)

Motherhood is full of ups and downs. Full of moments of despair and moments of pure joy, and these moments can occur right after each other... it seriously plays with your mind!!! My kids are watching our wedding video and I just heard Jaz say to Elias, "See that white thing? That's Mum!" When I hear them say cute things my heart leaps for joy. What a blessing children are. However, they have their dirty legs and feet all over the couch...

I think it is the best job ever. I love it.
And I feel better after writing, thankyou writing you therapeutic thing.

"Mum, Mum!!"
Im coming.

love Bec x

Barker Christmas 2014

NOt happy!!

Sometimes I have to write, simply because it's the way I process things, and it is liberating...

Sunday night, 1 week of term to go.
I should be so excited about this and Christmas, just weeks away... but im not. Im trying to be... but my head is in a fog... that I just cant lift. I'm a mess. I am putting it down to tiredness, although I feel like I do nothing compared to so many people all around me. Tiredness really seems like a lame excuse.
 I want to be happy and I get so sick of trying to act happy and like everything is ok... that I fit in... but Im really not happy. I keep telling myself to breathe and everything will be ok... but will it? Im questioning everything in my life, apart form my relationship with God and family. What is next for me? For us? Why did this heart-breaking year have to happen. My heart really did break... and I haven't felt the same again. I have felt like a wanderer, wandering through life, just filling in time, waiting for something... something... something... waiting for the world to make sense again.

A new year is approaching.... I want it to be a great year so badly. I want to feel like I have a purpose again. I want to feel peaceful. I want the grieving to end. I want to heal.  I want to feel normal. I want to find out what my passions are. I want everything to make sense again.

2015. The year that everything made sense again.
I'll leave you with my fave recent picture of me
Pray for me... I need it!!

Bec xxx

Homeschooling Update- Term 4 :)

Wow, here I am in my 4th and final term of homeschooling Malachi.
I just cannot believe how fast the year is flying by.

 
It's been a year of great reward and also enormous frustrations.
My 'I want to homeschool my kids' bubble has been burst, and i'm very pleased to have it out of my system. I'm sure the bubble will return every so often when I get frustrated with the schooling system, (I could write an essay on that) but now I know that it isn't the 'long term' thing for me.

Many times I have felt like a failure, or have gotten really frustrated with Chi when he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. 1 step forward, 5 backwards... that seems to be his pattern. I'm sure my facebook friends are fully aware of this through my occasional homeschooling vents... sorry, but thanks for listening and being there for me!! I have felt like throwing him across the room when he just wont concentrate. ( I didn't, I promise) I have felt like there is no escape from him. He is just always there, in my face, constantly listening to everything I say, he doesn't miss a thing. I have struggled with the balance between teaching him, doing the housework and looking after Elias. My house has been out of control more this year than EVER before, and Elias has watched So much ABC for Kids.

BUT THEN

I feel such pride and joy when I see him progressing.
I feel so relieved when I see him happy and confident. Im just so happy that we took him out of school, there is no doubt in my mind that we did the right thing. He has blossomed, upwards, outwards and inwards haha. He used to look a bit like a skinny runt, not anymore ;) He is all round a happier person, and this makes me sooo happy. I was just so worried about him last year. Have you noticed I like the word 'so'?
I have been stretched BIG TIME in the patience department. I wasn't so good at this at the beginning of the year... but if you could see me now, sitting there with him, patiently while he SLOWLY figures stuff out, you would be so proud!!

I have mixed feelings about sending him back to school next year. On one hand I just cant wait! I'll be free! I can go out without feeling like I should be home teaching. I will be able to catch up with more people, YES! I will be able to sit and have a cup of tea with you without constantly trying to shooo Malachi and his big ears away! I wont have to think about lessons. I wont have to worry that i'm doing a bad job. I will have a break from Chi while he is at school... all this is so so so so good! Im happy that he will be able to go and see his friends, and run around with them at lunch time... this is something he has missed.

BUT I also don't want to send him back. I want to keep him close where I can protect him. I don't want him to compare himself to others and feel bad about himself and his learning. I dont want him to get in trouble from a mean teacher when he cant concentrate because it's too hard. He has come a long way, but still isn't up to his grade level in reading and writing. I had grand plans of sending him back, reading like a pro and surprising everyone... hasn't quite happened, but miracles can happen in a term right?

I have this one last term to help him as much as I can, and i intend to make the most of it!!
I was so impressed hearing him read to me today... and he is only going to get better :) Every morning I pray for a breakthrough, that things will just 'click' and he gets it.

I hope he looks back at this year and remembers it with fondness. I know he really appreciates that I have taken the time to teach him this year, and im so grateful that I could!

Thanks for reading!

Bec xx

a short, sad and happy blog

And just like that it's Term 4...


I'm trying to be positive and embrace the Term with a smile and a lots of motivation but it is a real struggle. I just want to stay in bed. I want to let the world pass me by for a while. Sometimes being positive and happy is really hard, even harder to pretend that everything is ok when you are feeling like your world just sucks. I want to hide away. Run away. At the end of last term I was just hanging in... I needed the holidays so badly... now they have gone and i'm still feeling the same.

We went away for the first week of the holidays. For me it was an escape from reality. I never wanted to come home. I got home and felt so sad. But even if I moved away, it would be the same... you cant escape life. You cant escape things that happen to your family. You cant escape sickness.

Thismorning during my quiet time all I could do was say, God, I need you. I do need God. And he is amazing. He makes those feelings inside, the ones that almost physically hurt, feel peaceful. He soothes my soul. I need to rest in Him daily. Psalm 23 is my fave Psalm, I say it daily... he makes me lay down in green pastures, He restores my Soul...  every verse in that Psalm speaks to me.

I am deciding to get up, and go through the routines of daily life... to love others... and be the best Mum I can be...

happy term 4 :)

Love bec.

Baby Shower cuteness

I was asked by my sister-in-law, Renae, to come and take photos at Nat's baby shower.
Nat had no idea I was coming, and I loved the look on her face when she saw me :)
What a fun, laid back, relaxed baby shower it was. Simply lovely.
I thought i'd share a few of the photos here on my blog, enjoy :)

An emotional introduction by Renae. The friendship these two share is just beautiful.

The handbag game

baby photo match

Present time!!!

Nat you are going to make such an amazing Mum. I'm so excited for you, and cant wait for bubba to arrive!! I predict it will be a boy... but I usually get it wrong ;)

Love Bec x

Captivated

CAPTIVATED by Jesus

The word captivated has been going around and around in my head this week. I talked about it in a short devotion at Connect Group this morning and I though I’d share it with you too.

You’re welcome.

So what does captivated mean and how can we relate this to our relationship with Jesus?

I looked up captivated and it means: strongly attracted, filled with wonder and delight. 

I read that and immediately thought of Todd… and that first time he smiled at me and spoke to me… ahhhhhh, my heart pounded…. And yes, I was filled with wonder and delight and awe. I wanted more… I wanted to see him and talk to Him ALL the time.  I watched Him, I couldn’t take my eyes of him, I couldn’t get enough of him. (I still cant) I was well and truly in love, I WAS CAPTIVATED!!  (Still am)

And do you know what… Jesus wants us to be captivated with HIM! He wants us to be filled with wonder, delight and awe when we talk to Him, and think about Him. He wants us to share secrets with Him and long to hang out with Him. He wants us to love him with everything we have. The question is Do we?? We say we love Jesus, but are really captivated?

The Author John Piper in his book, God Is the Gospel, essentially asks the question are we really in love with God? He writes:

The critical question for our generation- and for every generation is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all your friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?

Challenging thought hey?  If we are deeply in love with God we could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ.

There often seems to be a discrepancy between how we feel about God and how we know we are meant to feel.  Are the words of Psalm 63: 1-5 a reflection of how we feel most days? 

O God, you are my God: I earnestly search for you.

My Soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you

in this parched and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary, and gazed upon Your power and glory.

Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise You. 

^{I will praise You as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer.} 

^{You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy.}

I can honestly say that I don’t feel like that every day! Some days I do! But not everyday… Can anyone else relate?

The world we live in is CRAZY, it’s non stop!

People are in a HURRY! Rushing here and rushing there.

People seriously don’t have time to STOP and THINK!

Society distracts us; we are swallowed by the culture we live in.

When Jesus was on earth he was active and passive. He knew how to STOP and be in God’s presence. I strongly believe that the key for us to to be captivated by Christ is to, like Jesus, stop and slow down to spend time with God. To dwell in His Presence.

We need to find the balance between activity and contemplation.

Stopping to spend time with God is more than just a chore we do so we can tick it off the to do list. It’s more that just an information gaining devotion, it’s a time that we PAUSE FOR HIM. We need to stop and seek Him.  

Seek can be defined as: an attempt to find something. To try and find or discover by searching or questioning…

It is our responsibility to stop and seek God, to search Him, question Him, to know Him intimately, to discover more and more about Him, there is always more to discover. Let him work on changing us, from the inside out.  He says draw near to Him and he will draw near to you.  As we do this our relationship changes, we discover that we want to spend time with Him because we love him and NEED him, and because we are captivated by HIM! It’s a beautiful thing.

 Delight in Him.

Rest in Him.

Meditate on Him.

You know, God longs for this time and relationship with you.  In Zephaniah 3:17 it says: For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.  

I love that! He takes delight in me, He will calm my fears, He will rejoice over me with songs! This is God we are talking about- the creator! He really wants this VERY PERSONAL relationship with me, with us… WOW! I mean, this is seriously WOW!

When I die I want people to say: That Bec, she REALLY loved Jesus.

I don’t want to just say that I love Jesus, and not have the feelings to match.  I want to be whole-heatedly captivated by Him!

I’m going to make time in the day to spend time with Jesus, my lover! To seek His face, to know Him intimately.

Like Psalm 63, I want to be able to honestly say, My soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you. I want to be totally abandoned to Him.

David said in Psalm 92:2- It is good to proclaim Your unfailing love in the morning, Your faithfulness in the evening.

In Psalm 55: 17 it says, “Morning, Noon and Night I cry out to you, and You hear my voice.

If we are captivated, then we don’t want to just switch God on, once a day, then switch Him back off, we want Him near all day. Keep the conversation going with Him. Talk to Him about everything.  He wants to be involved in your life, every moment of the day…

Lets make the decision to stop and take time to seek God, to Know Him, to be filled with wonder and delight-  to be (said with awe) totally CAPTIVATED!