Changes

So things are changing this year.
Todd is going back to full time work after 6 years part time. He feels it's time, so he is stepping out, and we are trusting  that it will all work out with his silly head troubles. Ive been so lucky to have him home with me every Wednesday and im going to miss this big time! No more Wednesday breakfasts!! Im trying to be a very supportive wife... trying.

So Todd has said that I have to take up the cooking responsibility. Ive also been lucky enough to have a husband who has cooked for most of our 12 years of marriage. So for me, this is a huge thing. Im going to be like one of those normal wives who have to cook... flip! So i've done my freaking out and now Im determined to become an amazing cook. Everyone is going to be hanging out for an invitation to my place to eat MY food :) This does sound hilarious as I am very clumsy in the kitchen and nothing ever seems to work for me. Earlier on in our marriage we had a chef  live with us for a year, and i can still hear her saying to me, "Im sorry Bec, but there is no way I would ever hire you as a kitchen hand." Hmmmm, it will be a challenge but I can only get better!!

Tonight was my first night. It worked out amazingly, Malachi cooked a BBQ for me ;) I did make the salad of course. Hehehe one night down! Todd got home from work and stood in the kitchen and then said, "I dont need to be in here," and walked out. He then stood in the dining room looking very lost. I assured him that he was very welcome to go back into the kitchen and start cooking, but he wouldn't, not even to make the salad! The good news is that he is still going to be cooking Friday night pizza! YAY I get Friday night off... I love Friday's already!! So if you ever feel the urge to cook me a meal and bring it over feel free.... just kidding ofcourse, but seriously...

So im sure I will blog some of my cooking disasters and some of my cooking successes.
Stay Tuned.

Love Bec xxx

Mess and Chaos- Motherhood!

Im having one of those days. One of those days where things just wont clean.
Where a child goes outside for 2 minutes and returns covered in mud, after throwing mud at his sister and her friend. One of those days where you take the child into the bathroom to clean them up and see how disgustingly messy the bathroom is, and sneak in a prayer that no-one will visit today. You overhear the above mentioned friend say, as they walk into your children's bedroom, "Don't you ever have to clean your room?" Cringe. I blame that there are 4 kids in one room and too much stuff to keep clean... but hey, at least I folded the washing thismorning!!

As I type one child is throwing stuff at another, and one just spilt milk all over the carpet. It doesnt end... the mess and the chaos just goes on and on... it's my fault. Im the one who had 4 kids right? ha.

SHUT THE FLYSCREEN!!! DONT THROW THINGS AT THE KIDS NEXT DOOR!!


Sometimes I lose it, and yell. After this, the next time I have to hang the washing on the line I hope I don't see the neighbors. Why do they build houses so close??I feel like the worst parent around. BUT Sometimes my kids are angels and I think, wow, what a good parent I am! What awesome little people I have... yay for my kids :)

Motherhood is full of ups and downs. Full of moments of despair and moments of pure joy, and these moments can occur right after each other... it seriously plays with your mind!!! My kids are watching our wedding video and I just heard Jaz say to Elias, "See that white thing? That's Mum!" When I hear them say cute things my heart leaps for joy. What a blessing children are. However, they have their dirty legs and feet all over the couch...

I think it is the best job ever. I love it.
And I feel better after writing, thankyou writing you therapeutic thing.

"Mum, Mum!!"
Im coming.

love Bec x

Barker Christmas 2014

NOt happy!!

Sometimes I have to write, simply because it's the way I process things, and it is liberating...

Sunday night, 1 week of term to go.
I should be so excited about this and Christmas, just weeks away... but im not. Im trying to be... but my head is in a fog... that I just cant lift. I'm a mess. I am putting it down to tiredness, although I feel like I do nothing compared to so many people all around me. Tiredness really seems like a lame excuse.
 I want to be happy and I get so sick of trying to act happy and like everything is ok... that I fit in... but Im really not happy. I keep telling myself to breathe and everything will be ok... but will it? Im questioning everything in my life, apart form my relationship with God and family. What is next for me? For us? Why did this heart-breaking year have to happen. My heart really did break... and I haven't felt the same again. I have felt like a wanderer, wandering through life, just filling in time, waiting for something... something... something... waiting for the world to make sense again.

A new year is approaching.... I want it to be a great year so badly. I want to feel like I have a purpose again. I want to feel peaceful. I want the grieving to end. I want to heal.  I want to feel normal. I want to find out what my passions are. I want everything to make sense again.

2015. The year that everything made sense again.
I'll leave you with my fave recent picture of me
Pray for me... I need it!!

Bec xxx

Homeschooling Update- Term 4 :)

Wow, here I am in my 4th and final term of homeschooling Malachi.
I just cannot believe how fast the year is flying by.

 
It's been a year of great reward and also enormous frustrations.
My 'I want to homeschool my kids' bubble has been burst, and i'm very pleased to have it out of my system. I'm sure the bubble will return every so often when I get frustrated with the schooling system, (I could write an essay on that) but now I know that it isn't the 'long term' thing for me.

Many times I have felt like a failure, or have gotten really frustrated with Chi when he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. 1 step forward, 5 backwards... that seems to be his pattern. I'm sure my facebook friends are fully aware of this through my occasional homeschooling vents... sorry, but thanks for listening and being there for me!! I have felt like throwing him across the room when he just wont concentrate. ( I didn't, I promise) I have felt like there is no escape from him. He is just always there, in my face, constantly listening to everything I say, he doesn't miss a thing. I have struggled with the balance between teaching him, doing the housework and looking after Elias. My house has been out of control more this year than EVER before, and Elias has watched So much ABC for Kids.

BUT THEN

I feel such pride and joy when I see him progressing.
I feel so relieved when I see him happy and confident. Im just so happy that we took him out of school, there is no doubt in my mind that we did the right thing. He has blossomed, upwards, outwards and inwards haha. He used to look a bit like a skinny runt, not anymore ;) He is all round a happier person, and this makes me sooo happy. I was just so worried about him last year. Have you noticed I like the word 'so'?
I have been stretched BIG TIME in the patience department. I wasn't so good at this at the beginning of the year... but if you could see me now, sitting there with him, patiently while he SLOWLY figures stuff out, you would be so proud!!

I have mixed feelings about sending him back to school next year. On one hand I just cant wait! I'll be free! I can go out without feeling like I should be home teaching. I will be able to catch up with more people, YES! I will be able to sit and have a cup of tea with you without constantly trying to shooo Malachi and his big ears away! I wont have to think about lessons. I wont have to worry that i'm doing a bad job. I will have a break from Chi while he is at school... all this is so so so so good! Im happy that he will be able to go and see his friends, and run around with them at lunch time... this is something he has missed.

BUT I also don't want to send him back. I want to keep him close where I can protect him. I don't want him to compare himself to others and feel bad about himself and his learning. I dont want him to get in trouble from a mean teacher when he cant concentrate because it's too hard. He has come a long way, but still isn't up to his grade level in reading and writing. I had grand plans of sending him back, reading like a pro and surprising everyone... hasn't quite happened, but miracles can happen in a term right?

I have this one last term to help him as much as I can, and i intend to make the most of it!!
I was so impressed hearing him read to me today... and he is only going to get better :) Every morning I pray for a breakthrough, that things will just 'click' and he gets it.

I hope he looks back at this year and remembers it with fondness. I know he really appreciates that I have taken the time to teach him this year, and im so grateful that I could!

Thanks for reading!

Bec xx

a short, sad and happy blog

And just like that it's Term 4...


I'm trying to be positive and embrace the Term with a smile and a lots of motivation but it is a real struggle. I just want to stay in bed. I want to let the world pass me by for a while. Sometimes being positive and happy is really hard, even harder to pretend that everything is ok when you are feeling like your world just sucks. I want to hide away. Run away. At the end of last term I was just hanging in... I needed the holidays so badly... now they have gone and i'm still feeling the same.

We went away for the first week of the holidays. For me it was an escape from reality. I never wanted to come home. I got home and felt so sad. But even if I moved away, it would be the same... you cant escape life. You cant escape things that happen to your family. You cant escape sickness.

Thismorning during my quiet time all I could do was say, God, I need you. I do need God. And he is amazing. He makes those feelings inside, the ones that almost physically hurt, feel peaceful. He soothes my soul. I need to rest in Him daily. Psalm 23 is my fave Psalm, I say it daily... he makes me lay down in green pastures, He restores my Soul...  every verse in that Psalm speaks to me.

I am deciding to get up, and go through the routines of daily life... to love others... and be the best Mum I can be...

happy term 4 :)

Love bec.

Baby Shower cuteness

I was asked by my sister-in-law, Renae, to come and take photos at Nat's baby shower.
Nat had no idea I was coming, and I loved the look on her face when she saw me :)
What a fun, laid back, relaxed baby shower it was. Simply lovely.
I thought i'd share a few of the photos here on my blog, enjoy :)

An emotional introduction by Renae. The friendship these two share is just beautiful.

The handbag game

baby photo match

Present time!!!

Nat you are going to make such an amazing Mum. I'm so excited for you, and cant wait for bubba to arrive!! I predict it will be a boy... but I usually get it wrong ;)

Love Bec x