Barker Christmas 2014

NOt happy!!

Sometimes I have to write, simply because it's the way I process things, and it is liberating...

Sunday night, 1 week of term to go.
I should be so excited about this and Christmas, just weeks away... but im not. Im trying to be... but my head is in a fog... that I just cant lift. I'm a mess. I am putting it down to tiredness, although I feel like I do nothing compared to so many people all around me. Tiredness really seems like a lame excuse.
 I want to be happy and I get so sick of trying to act happy and like everything is ok... that I fit in... but Im really not happy. I keep telling myself to breathe and everything will be ok... but will it? Im questioning everything in my life, apart form my relationship with God and family. What is next for me? For us? Why did this heart-breaking year have to happen. My heart really did break... and I haven't felt the same again. I have felt like a wanderer, wandering through life, just filling in time, waiting for something... something... something... waiting for the world to make sense again.

A new year is approaching.... I want it to be a great year so badly. I want to feel like I have a purpose again. I want to feel peaceful. I want the grieving to end. I want to heal.  I want to feel normal. I want to find out what my passions are. I want everything to make sense again.

2015. The year that everything made sense again.
I'll leave you with my fave recent picture of me
Pray for me... I need it!!

Bec xxx

Homeschooling Update- Term 4 :)

Wow, here I am in my 4th and final term of homeschooling Malachi.
I just cannot believe how fast the year is flying by.

 
It's been a year of great reward and also enormous frustrations.
My 'I want to homeschool my kids' bubble has been burst, and i'm very pleased to have it out of my system. I'm sure the bubble will return every so often when I get frustrated with the schooling system, (I could write an essay on that) but now I know that it isn't the 'long term' thing for me.

Many times I have felt like a failure, or have gotten really frustrated with Chi when he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. 1 step forward, 5 backwards... that seems to be his pattern. I'm sure my facebook friends are fully aware of this through my occasional homeschooling vents... sorry, but thanks for listening and being there for me!! I have felt like throwing him across the room when he just wont concentrate. ( I didn't, I promise) I have felt like there is no escape from him. He is just always there, in my face, constantly listening to everything I say, he doesn't miss a thing. I have struggled with the balance between teaching him, doing the housework and looking after Elias. My house has been out of control more this year than EVER before, and Elias has watched So much ABC for Kids.

BUT THEN

I feel such pride and joy when I see him progressing.
I feel so relieved when I see him happy and confident. Im just so happy that we took him out of school, there is no doubt in my mind that we did the right thing. He has blossomed, upwards, outwards and inwards haha. He used to look a bit like a skinny runt, not anymore ;) He is all round a happier person, and this makes me sooo happy. I was just so worried about him last year. Have you noticed I like the word 'so'?
I have been stretched BIG TIME in the patience department. I wasn't so good at this at the beginning of the year... but if you could see me now, sitting there with him, patiently while he SLOWLY figures stuff out, you would be so proud!!

I have mixed feelings about sending him back to school next year. On one hand I just cant wait! I'll be free! I can go out without feeling like I should be home teaching. I will be able to catch up with more people, YES! I will be able to sit and have a cup of tea with you without constantly trying to shooo Malachi and his big ears away! I wont have to think about lessons. I wont have to worry that i'm doing a bad job. I will have a break from Chi while he is at school... all this is so so so so good! Im happy that he will be able to go and see his friends, and run around with them at lunch time... this is something he has missed.

BUT I also don't want to send him back. I want to keep him close where I can protect him. I don't want him to compare himself to others and feel bad about himself and his learning. I dont want him to get in trouble from a mean teacher when he cant concentrate because it's too hard. He has come a long way, but still isn't up to his grade level in reading and writing. I had grand plans of sending him back, reading like a pro and surprising everyone... hasn't quite happened, but miracles can happen in a term right?

I have this one last term to help him as much as I can, and i intend to make the most of it!!
I was so impressed hearing him read to me today... and he is only going to get better :) Every morning I pray for a breakthrough, that things will just 'click' and he gets it.

I hope he looks back at this year and remembers it with fondness. I know he really appreciates that I have taken the time to teach him this year, and im so grateful that I could!

Thanks for reading!

Bec xx

a short, sad and happy blog

And just like that it's Term 4...


I'm trying to be positive and embrace the Term with a smile and a lots of motivation but it is a real struggle. I just want to stay in bed. I want to let the world pass me by for a while. Sometimes being positive and happy is really hard, even harder to pretend that everything is ok when you are feeling like your world just sucks. I want to hide away. Run away. At the end of last term I was just hanging in... I needed the holidays so badly... now they have gone and i'm still feeling the same.

We went away for the first week of the holidays. For me it was an escape from reality. I never wanted to come home. I got home and felt so sad. But even if I moved away, it would be the same... you cant escape life. You cant escape things that happen to your family. You cant escape sickness.

Thismorning during my quiet time all I could do was say, God, I need you. I do need God. And he is amazing. He makes those feelings inside, the ones that almost physically hurt, feel peaceful. He soothes my soul. I need to rest in Him daily. Psalm 23 is my fave Psalm, I say it daily... he makes me lay down in green pastures, He restores my Soul...  every verse in that Psalm speaks to me.

I am deciding to get up, and go through the routines of daily life... to love others... and be the best Mum I can be...

happy term 4 :)

Love bec.

Baby Shower cuteness

I was asked by my sister-in-law, Renae, to come and take photos at Nat's baby shower.
Nat had no idea I was coming, and I loved the look on her face when she saw me :)
What a fun, laid back, relaxed baby shower it was. Simply lovely.
I thought i'd share a few of the photos here on my blog, enjoy :)

An emotional introduction by Renae. The friendship these two share is just beautiful.

The handbag game

baby photo match

Present time!!!

Nat you are going to make such an amazing Mum. I'm so excited for you, and cant wait for bubba to arrive!! I predict it will be a boy... but I usually get it wrong ;)

Love Bec x

Captivated

CAPTIVATED by Jesus

The word captivated has been going around and around in my head this week. I talked about it in a short devotion at Connect Group this morning and I though I’d share it with you too.

You’re welcome.

So what does captivated mean and how can we relate this to our relationship with Jesus?

I looked up captivated and it means: strongly attracted, filled with wonder and delight. 

I read that and immediately thought of Todd… and that first time he smiled at me and spoke to me… ahhhhhh, my heart pounded…. And yes, I was filled with wonder and delight and awe. I wanted more… I wanted to see him and talk to Him ALL the time.  I watched Him, I couldn’t take my eyes of him, I couldn’t get enough of him. (I still cant) I was well and truly in love, I WAS CAPTIVATED!!  (Still am)

And do you know what… Jesus wants us to be captivated with HIM! He wants us to be filled with wonder, delight and awe when we talk to Him, and think about Him. He wants us to share secrets with Him and long to hang out with Him. He wants us to love him with everything we have. The question is Do we?? We say we love Jesus, but are really captivated?

The Author John Piper in his book, God Is the Gospel, essentially asks the question are we really in love with God? He writes:

The critical question for our generation- and for every generation is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all your friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?

Challenging thought hey?  If we are deeply in love with God we could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ.

There often seems to be a discrepancy between how we feel about God and how we know we are meant to feel.  Are the words of Psalm 63: 1-5 a reflection of how we feel most days? 

O God, you are my God: I earnestly search for you.

My Soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you

in this parched and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary, and gazed upon Your power and glory.

Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise You. 

^{I will praise You as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer.} 

^{You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy.}

I can honestly say that I don’t feel like that every day! Some days I do! But not everyday… Can anyone else relate?

The world we live in is CRAZY, it’s non stop!

People are in a HURRY! Rushing here and rushing there.

People seriously don’t have time to STOP and THINK!

Society distracts us; we are swallowed by the culture we live in.

When Jesus was on earth he was active and passive. He knew how to STOP and be in God’s presence. I strongly believe that the key for us to to be captivated by Christ is to, like Jesus, stop and slow down to spend time with God. To dwell in His Presence.

We need to find the balance between activity and contemplation.

Stopping to spend time with God is more than just a chore we do so we can tick it off the to do list. It’s more that just an information gaining devotion, it’s a time that we PAUSE FOR HIM. We need to stop and seek Him.  

Seek can be defined as: an attempt to find something. To try and find or discover by searching or questioning…

It is our responsibility to stop and seek God, to search Him, question Him, to know Him intimately, to discover more and more about Him, there is always more to discover. Let him work on changing us, from the inside out.  He says draw near to Him and he will draw near to you.  As we do this our relationship changes, we discover that we want to spend time with Him because we love him and NEED him, and because we are captivated by HIM! It’s a beautiful thing.

 Delight in Him.

Rest in Him.

Meditate on Him.

You know, God longs for this time and relationship with you.  In Zephaniah 3:17 it says: For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.  

I love that! He takes delight in me, He will calm my fears, He will rejoice over me with songs! This is God we are talking about- the creator! He really wants this VERY PERSONAL relationship with me, with us… WOW! I mean, this is seriously WOW!

When I die I want people to say: That Bec, she REALLY loved Jesus.

I don’t want to just say that I love Jesus, and not have the feelings to match.  I want to be whole-heatedly captivated by Him!

I’m going to make time in the day to spend time with Jesus, my lover! To seek His face, to know Him intimately.

Like Psalm 63, I want to be able to honestly say, My soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you. I want to be totally abandoned to Him.

David said in Psalm 92:2- It is good to proclaim Your unfailing love in the morning, Your faithfulness in the evening.

In Psalm 55: 17 it says, “Morning, Noon and Night I cry out to you, and You hear my voice.

If we are captivated, then we don’t want to just switch God on, once a day, then switch Him back off, we want Him near all day. Keep the conversation going with Him. Talk to Him about everything.  He wants to be involved in your life, every moment of the day…

Lets make the decision to stop and take time to seek God, to Know Him, to be filled with wonder and delight-  to be (said with awe) totally CAPTIVATED!

Thankfulness

Thankfulness

The word thankfulness or gratitude seems to be popping up everywhere at the moment.  On facebook, my newsfeed is filled with people stating 3 things they are thankful for that day. On Instagram, people are committing to take a picture everyday of something they are grateful for… it’s like a Gratitude revolution is taking place and I absolutely LOVE IT!   Studies have shown that thankfulness improves our physical and emotional health.  Also that holding onto feelings of thankfulness boosts our immune system and increases blood supply to our heart. Wow!

Thankfulness is a prominent bible theme too.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says,  ‘Be joyful always, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.

Did you catch that? Give thanks in ALL circumstances.  Thankfulness should be a way of life for us, naturally flowing from our hearts and mouths.        

“The whole earth is full of God’s glory. Sky, land and sea, heavy and saturated with God- why do we always forget?”

 Ann Voskamp

By giving thanks continually we are reminded of how much we do have. These days we tend to focus a lot on what we don’t have and begin to feel really dissatisfied with life.  Our consumerist society has a lot to answer for.  We always want to have the latest gadget, a bigger house and of course another camera lens, when most of the time it isn’t possible. When we focus on our blessings rather than our ‘wants’, we are happier. When we start thanking God for things we usually take for granted, our perspective changes… and we realize we could not even exist without the merciful blessings of God!

     Every single molecule, every smile, every taste of sunshine is a gift.

Yes, I would LOVE a bigger house, but im so thankful that I have a house in the first place, so many people are doing it way tougher than me.  You see, Just like that, with one simple thankful thought, my perspective shifts. Thankfulness is powerful… this is why God wants us to give thanks continually. 

We can have a thankful heart towards God even when we do not feel thankful and times are tough. It is hard and may even seem impossible. I know I have failed in this area many times. It is at these times that we need to discipline ourselves to look for the good, instead of complaining and grumbling and feeling like it’s not fair! We need to remember the blessings from last month, from last week, from yesterday and thank God for them! We need to fix our minds on things that are worthy of praise.

We need to say, “God, thankyou that you are in control, and that You are bigger than the problem.”

 “God, thank you that You can bring good out of evil.”

 “God, thankyou that you have great plans for me”

 God, thankyou that You love me”

‘Thankyou for the flowers,  for fresh air, for coffee, for clothes to wear."

We need to look at what we have and be grateful for it.  Continually, in all seasons.  It is life changing and develops our faith.

“I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily.” Ann Voskamp

Another thought to put out there. In developing gratitude we need to look for beauty, in others and in the world around us. We just need to walk outside and we are surrounded by God’s beautiful creation.

  Thank Him for the beauty you see. ! I have found that it is in these moments that I feel              connected to the Creator, and He speaks to my soul in a real personal way. I feel blessed and at  peace. I witnessed this thismorning as we were driving down the outlet into town.  Todd saw the Derwent River, shimmering in the sun and said, "Thankyou Lord for this amazing place that we live. What a blessing.”  After that he teared up, it was beautiful to see. His gratitude created a moment. It was just beautiful. Seek out beauty in nature and be thankful.

 I read this awesome quote:

“All beauty is only reflecetion. And whether I am conscious of it or not, it is a glimpse of His face to which I bow down” Ann Voskamp

 What a beautiful thought!!

I don’t want to go through life feeling sad and grumpy about things. I want to live feeling blessed and grateful, and it is through continual thankfulness that I can!!!  We are happier, more positive people when we live constantly thanking God for his blessings, big and small and look for His beauty in creation daily. 

What are you thankful for today? Im thankful that you are reading my blog.

Love Bec.