Its about 10 minutes after I've tucked them into bed and said their prayers that the tears start. Enough time for them to settle and their little minds to start thinking. Jazzy walks out looking heartbroken, "I don't want to move. This is the only house I've ever known, I've lived here all my life. Why didn't you buy a bigger house in the first place anyway?" We cuddle and I assure him that everything is going to be OK.
Mattea comes out crying, "I'm scared I'll leave something here" I assure her all drawers and cupboards will be empty and nothing will be left behind. We cuddle on the couch and the tears eventually stop.
We are walking through the supermarket and Elias says to me, " I don't want to move. I like our house."I scoop him up and hold him close.
My little people are struggling with the idea of moving house. It's their first move. They must be sentimental like me. I still feel a hint of sadness when I drive past houses I lived in as a child. I must admit, the idea of leaving my home of the last 12.5 years is tugging at my heart strings too. This basic, weatherboard house has been our home, a loving, happy home. So many memories here and it will always hold a special place in my heart. Fond, fond memories.
I'm dreading the moment we shut the door behind us and never return. But also excited for our next house, wherever that might be!
Farewell from sentimental Bec xxxx
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
A short, strange little post
As I was cooking tea tonight I was wishing that vegetables tasted nicer. It would make them so much easier to eat. I try so hard to like them but I just don't! I just chew them round and round, then swallow them as quick as I can. I don't enjoy a moment of it. "Eat your vegetables kids" I say. I wish they tasted better.
Elias has been crying and heartbroken for the last hour. The Octonouts watch he got today, broke. He is so sad. I just sat at the table and cried with him. I couldn't help it. I just feel so sad for him. It would have been such a moving photo. Both of us sitting there with tears streaming down our faces. Where is a photographer when you need one??
Im at that point where I need a break. I was thinking about disappearing.
Todd might end up on that missing person show because his wife has just vanished into thin air. He will be on tv crying and telling me that if i'm watching I need to contact him, and let him know Im ok. He will tell me he needs me and loves me. It will be heartbreaking. There will shots of my poor abandoned children, looking sad cos they miss their mum. The viewers will be tweeting #heartbreaking #selfish woman #those poor poor children. Meanwhile I will have taken up a new identity in another country. My poor family, my poor parents. It's all a bit much really when I think about it this way. I think I might re-consider.
Todd has gone out to a meeting. I cried when he left. I mean all we'd do if he was here was sit on the couch and watch a TV show. Id probably end up falling asleep and then be rudely woken by my snoring. I didn't want him to leave me here alone with them. They scare me. They are loud and fierce. They don't like to listen to me. I do love my kids. I mean just a minute ago they called me in to watch them jump from the top bunk and land on their bellies on a mattress on the floor. They called it 'The Bellyflop." I can report that there were no casualties. Ive now told them to go to bed...
This is the part of the night where I begin to lose it. Freedom is so close, so close, I can almost reach out and touch it... but not quite. My patience wears very thin, as the minutes tick away and they don't settle down. I like my evenings. My child free time. They are precious. They are VITAL.
GO TO SLEEP!!
This blog is a blog about nothing. Just my evening and my random thoughts.
It's me. I must go and pray with the kids... wish me luck as I embark on my journey into freedom ;)
Love Bec
Elias has been crying and heartbroken for the last hour. The Octonouts watch he got today, broke. He is so sad. I just sat at the table and cried with him. I couldn't help it. I just feel so sad for him. It would have been such a moving photo. Both of us sitting there with tears streaming down our faces. Where is a photographer when you need one??
Im at that point where I need a break. I was thinking about disappearing.
Todd might end up on that missing person show because his wife has just vanished into thin air. He will be on tv crying and telling me that if i'm watching I need to contact him, and let him know Im ok. He will tell me he needs me and loves me. It will be heartbreaking. There will shots of my poor abandoned children, looking sad cos they miss their mum. The viewers will be tweeting #heartbreaking #selfish woman #those poor poor children. Meanwhile I will have taken up a new identity in another country. My poor family, my poor parents. It's all a bit much really when I think about it this way. I think I might re-consider.
Todd has gone out to a meeting. I cried when he left. I mean all we'd do if he was here was sit on the couch and watch a TV show. Id probably end up falling asleep and then be rudely woken by my snoring. I didn't want him to leave me here alone with them. They scare me. They are loud and fierce. They don't like to listen to me. I do love my kids. I mean just a minute ago they called me in to watch them jump from the top bunk and land on their bellies on a mattress on the floor. They called it 'The Bellyflop." I can report that there were no casualties. Ive now told them to go to bed...
This is the part of the night where I begin to lose it. Freedom is so close, so close, I can almost reach out and touch it... but not quite. My patience wears very thin, as the minutes tick away and they don't settle down. I like my evenings. My child free time. They are precious. They are VITAL.
GO TO SLEEP!!
This blog is a blog about nothing. Just my evening and my random thoughts.
It's me. I must go and pray with the kids... wish me luck as I embark on my journey into freedom ;)
Love Bec
Sunday, July 19, 2015
negative vs positive
This morning I was happily sitting in the sun, sipping my tea and thinking about life when suddenly the thought, 'life sucks' dropped into my head. It just snuck up on me, like the kids do when I have chocolate, and I found myself responding by agreeing and thinking of all the reasons why life sucks. It went something like this: Todd was sick all holidays and has gone back to work sick, that's not fair... how on earth do I keep this house clean for the 2 open homes on the weekend... its not like we will ever find a house to move into anyway.... why on earth did Todd say we need to get the house on the market already... why cant he have patience... now he is sick... grrrrrr far out Todd... I cant live like this... so and so didn't like my photo of Instagram, they mustn't like me anymore... It's cos im fat... id have more friends if I was skinny...why am I so fat... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
WAIT WHAT?? Im just innocently sitting here enjoying the sun and my tea and wham... life suddenly sucks! Ridiculous!!! One little negative thought planted itself in my mind, then grew and grew suddenly changing my whole outlook on the day and the 'oh so horrible life' that im living. CRAZY CRAZY!! Does this happen to you too??
I really need to take control of these thoughts that pop into my head and not let them ruin my day and turn me into a negative person. I need to reject them before the set root in my mind. I want my thoughts to be Godly and uplifting. I want my thoughts to set me up to succeed in life, to have positive relationships and a positive outlook. I want my face to be radiant, not sad looking cos my negative thoughts are eating me up on the inside. I want positive confessions to come out of my mouth!! You see, my life really doesn't suck! I have an amazing husband, 4 kids, a house... i'm living the dream! I have an amazing God who loves me and cares for every detail of my life. My life is good.
I could go on and on but I wont. You get the idea.
I started writing this blog with no idea what I was going to write about and this all came out...
Amazing! I feel alot more positive now. The sun is shining again on the outside and the inside.
Time for another cuppa
Thanks for reading
love bec xx
WAIT WHAT?? Im just innocently sitting here enjoying the sun and my tea and wham... life suddenly sucks! Ridiculous!!! One little negative thought planted itself in my mind, then grew and grew suddenly changing my whole outlook on the day and the 'oh so horrible life' that im living. CRAZY CRAZY!! Does this happen to you too??
I really need to take control of these thoughts that pop into my head and not let them ruin my day and turn me into a negative person. I need to reject them before the set root in my mind. I want my thoughts to be Godly and uplifting. I want my thoughts to set me up to succeed in life, to have positive relationships and a positive outlook. I want my face to be radiant, not sad looking cos my negative thoughts are eating me up on the inside. I want positive confessions to come out of my mouth!! You see, my life really doesn't suck! I have an amazing husband, 4 kids, a house... i'm living the dream! I have an amazing God who loves me and cares for every detail of my life. My life is good.
I could go on and on but I wont. You get the idea.
I started writing this blog with no idea what I was going to write about and this all came out...
Amazing! I feel alot more positive now. The sun is shining again on the outside and the inside.
Time for another cuppa
Thanks for reading
love bec xx
Sunday, April 19, 2015
term 2 challenge
And just like that Term 1 was over and now the holidays are OVER!
Time, I have an idea, SLOW DOWN! My kids are getting too big! Just stop and give us a moment, please. I'm scared, literally. This year is not meant to go this fast.
Ok , so now that you all know that I think time is going too fast i'll move on.
Term 2, hello!! I'm going to embrace you and see you as a new season to make the most of. Even though these weren't exactly my sentiments when the alarm went off thsimorning. Speaking of alarms, my alarm is set to play a Kari Jobe song, which was a bad idea cos now every time I hear this song I cringe and get that horrible 'i have to get up' feeling. I'm sure you all know the feeling. Sorry Kari, I really do like you. Anyway, back to the point, ummm what was the point?... oh yeah, the alarm went off, AND TERM 2, HERE I AM EMBRACING YOU... hugs.
This term, I have given myself the challenge to stay calm in the morning during the 'get them out the door 'madness. I know right, what was i thinking, BUT this is my challenge. I don't want to raise my voice, I don't want them to leave the house with my frantic yelling echoing through their heads. I want them to feel positive and calm as they head off to learn and be amazing, loving people. I need to be the responsible one and help them by setting the tone for the day, a positive tone, not a negative one. I can do this. I will do this. This morning I stayed very calm, even when my kids wouldn't wake up. All through the holidays they are up at 6:00am being noisy... but today, nope, all still snoring at 6:30 (and yes, they really do all snore). The second Jazzy opened his eyes he told me he was sick and that, "vomit just came into my mouth". I had to literally pick Mattea up and carry her out of bed (she's getting heavy) as she cried, real tears, about being too tired to go to school. I did warn her this might be the case last night, when she wouldn't go to sleep cos she wanted to write 100 maths sums to show her teacher today. Strange child. Through the tears and pretend vomit I stayed calm and reassured them that everything was ok. They left smiling and happy and I didn't raise my voice :) I stood at the door and happily waved as they drove off, what a nice start to the day. 1 day down, millions to go!
So next time you see me ask me how my calm mornings are going, I might need reminding :)
Thanks for reading and I hope you all have an amazing term 2.
It is now time for me to have a cup of tea.
LOVE BEC
xxxx
Thursday, March 19, 2015
A year ago...
A year ago.
A year ago a friend and I were saying, "In a years time we will look back on this and..."
A year ago life changed.
I expected things would be so much better by now... I expected that new and wonderful things would have happened. For some it may have, but this is my story, I cant tell anyone else's story.
Last week at Colour I saw people open and up and become really vulnerable as they shared their story. I fought back tears the whole conference. It's time for me to share a few thoughts and the struggles i've been facing since the church I helped plant and grew up in, the church I loved and gave everything to, without warning, came crashing down, leaving casualties galore.
I expected that the feelings of anger, betrayal and injustice would have eased by now. They are not as raw as they were of course, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel them.
I didn't expect that forgiveness would be such a big issue. I think i've forgiven certain people and then I think about them and feel so much anger. SO much anger. I was chatting to a friend about this earlier this week and she had some good advice... when you think about it, direct your anger at Satan and not the person. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. Yesterday I told God that I am lost and need help. I cant do it without Him.
I didn't expect that i'd be the one crying every second church service I go to, still. Everyone must think im a blubbering mess of a person. This is so not like me, or was not like me!!
I didn't expect to read blogs about broken people and sob cos I understand.
I didn't expect to become so critical of church's and their leadership. I look for power plays among the leadership. It's like i've become a spectator, watching what goes on and becoming critical of anything I dont think is 'normal'. Cant believe I just admitted that out loud!!
I didnt expect to feel so alone, and have to work out who I can trust all over again. I lost friends. Ive had to make new ones. After being in the same church for 22 years, this is daunting!!
I didnt expect going to church to become a decision i'd have to make. I'd always been so excited about going every week. I never considered not going.... I am in a great church now, don't get me wrong... but things haven't been the same since that day. When I see people all excited about church it just makes me miss what was.
At Colour, Christine Caine said that in 2014 she saw more Pastors under attack and brought down than ever before. The devil must be getting pretty desperate! She then went on to say that it wasn't God's plan. Yes I teared up, I believe what happened wasn't God's plan and if anyone tells me, "It was God's will", I will punch them hard! It's not God's will for people to be hurt and break. God is into building His church, He is into mercy and grace. Not tearing people down.
I really believe that 2015 is the year of restoration, body, soul and spirit.
I am going to be found in God's word as His living water brings healing.
I will keep my eyes on Jesus as I continue on this healing process.
Thanks for reading my thoughts. It's not easy being honest , but I feel like I need to. It's a part of the healing process.
Love Bec xxx
A year ago a friend and I were saying, "In a years time we will look back on this and..."
A year ago life changed.
I expected things would be so much better by now... I expected that new and wonderful things would have happened. For some it may have, but this is my story, I cant tell anyone else's story.
Last week at Colour I saw people open and up and become really vulnerable as they shared their story. I fought back tears the whole conference. It's time for me to share a few thoughts and the struggles i've been facing since the church I helped plant and grew up in, the church I loved and gave everything to, without warning, came crashing down, leaving casualties galore.
I expected that the feelings of anger, betrayal and injustice would have eased by now. They are not as raw as they were of course, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel them.
I didn't expect that forgiveness would be such a big issue. I think i've forgiven certain people and then I think about them and feel so much anger. SO much anger. I was chatting to a friend about this earlier this week and she had some good advice... when you think about it, direct your anger at Satan and not the person. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. Yesterday I told God that I am lost and need help. I cant do it without Him.
I didn't expect that i'd be the one crying every second church service I go to, still. Everyone must think im a blubbering mess of a person. This is so not like me, or was not like me!!
I didn't expect to read blogs about broken people and sob cos I understand.
I didn't expect to become so critical of church's and their leadership. I look for power plays among the leadership. It's like i've become a spectator, watching what goes on and becoming critical of anything I dont think is 'normal'. Cant believe I just admitted that out loud!!
I didnt expect to feel so alone, and have to work out who I can trust all over again. I lost friends. Ive had to make new ones. After being in the same church for 22 years, this is daunting!!
I didnt expect going to church to become a decision i'd have to make. I'd always been so excited about going every week. I never considered not going.... I am in a great church now, don't get me wrong... but things haven't been the same since that day. When I see people all excited about church it just makes me miss what was.
At Colour, Christine Caine said that in 2014 she saw more Pastors under attack and brought down than ever before. The devil must be getting pretty desperate! She then went on to say that it wasn't God's plan. Yes I teared up, I believe what happened wasn't God's plan and if anyone tells me, "It was God's will", I will punch them hard! It's not God's will for people to be hurt and break. God is into building His church, He is into mercy and grace. Not tearing people down.
I really believe that 2015 is the year of restoration, body, soul and spirit.
I am going to be found in God's word as His living water brings healing.
I will keep my eyes on Jesus as I continue on this healing process.
Thanks for reading my thoughts. It's not easy being honest , but I feel like I need to. It's a part of the healing process.
Love Bec xxx
Thursday, February 5, 2015
On your 4th birthday
10 Things I Love About Elias
1. Elias, I love the way you want cuddles, all the time. You come to me and say, "Cuddles on the couch". One cuddle isn't enough for you, you want to snuggle on the couch, you want my undivided attention. Once you have me sitting and relaxed you go to the bookshelf and bring over a book for me to read to you, then another and another... seriously, if you had your way we would just snuggle and read books all day. I love you my cuddly, snugly boy.
2. Elias, I love the way you dance and groove to music along with your older siblings. You are just way too cool. You dramatically mimic the words to all the songs and have the happiest look on your face. Keep grooving my dear boy!
3. Elias, I love how you love to look at photos, especially of yourself (So my child)! You daily look through the photos on my phone, and will show them to anyone who will take the time to look. You laugh, and describe whats going on. It warms my heart.
4. Elias, I love how you get up in the morning and say, " I want some lunch." I correct you and say breakfast, but you still say lunch every morning. Just now you asked for lunch when we were serving up tea.
5. Elias, I love the way you can sit at my computer for ages and watch play dough YouTube clips. You absolutely love them, I don't understand why, but hey, it gives me time to get the housework done :) You absolutely love play dough and play with it everyday!
6. Elias, every time you paint and draw, or write on a foggy window, you write a big E . You are so proud of your E's. Recently you've started writing an l next to it. You'll be writing your whole name before you know it. I love it! E is your trademark.
7. Elias. I love it how you play schools with your older siblings. They find work for you and set you up a work area. Mattea makes a chart and puts a sticker on it when you've finished your task. You love the attention, you are clever and smart.
8. Elias, I love that you have FINALLY started sleeping through... most nights anyway. A couple of times a week you still wake up crying and when you see me walk through the doorway you say, "Cup of Milk". I get one, you drink it, and you go straight back to sleep. Im back in bed within 2 minutes. Thankyou Elias for letting me get some sleep. I love sleep.
9. Elias, I love that your dad has brainwashed you into responding to the name Giovanni. Your dad loves to tease you and you love to tease him back. He has also brainwashed you into sometimes calling your teddy, who you call teddy, Bruce! The other day I asked you if your name was Bruce, and you said, "No, teddy is Bruce" I love your sense of humor E.
10. Elias, I love how excited you are about your party tomorrow. I have never seen you so excited about something before. It is a Minion Party and you LOVE the minions!! You keep talking to me about party hats, party bags and all the lollies that are going to be at your party. I want this party to be amazing because it's the first time you have ever been excited about you birthday. Last year we told you it was your birthday and you told us that it wasn't! I want you to love every minute. I want it to be perfect, just for you.
Elias, no words can describe my love for you. I'm so glad I have this year at home with just you. It is going to be so special. Your little voice, your little hand in mine, your little feet you like me to tickle... I want to treasure every moment.
HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY.
Im sitting here thinking about what to write about Elias and i just want to cry.
He is so very precious to me. He is my 4th baby and without him I didn't feel complete.
2. Elias, I love the way you dance and groove to music along with your older siblings. You are just way too cool. You dramatically mimic the words to all the songs and have the happiest look on your face. Keep grooving my dear boy!
3. Elias, I love how you love to look at photos, especially of yourself (So my child)! You daily look through the photos on my phone, and will show them to anyone who will take the time to look. You laugh, and describe whats going on. It warms my heart.
4. Elias, I love how you get up in the morning and say, " I want some lunch." I correct you and say breakfast, but you still say lunch every morning. Just now you asked for lunch when we were serving up tea.
5. Elias, I love the way you can sit at my computer for ages and watch play dough YouTube clips. You absolutely love them, I don't understand why, but hey, it gives me time to get the housework done :) You absolutely love play dough and play with it everyday!
6. Elias, every time you paint and draw, or write on a foggy window, you write a big E . You are so proud of your E's. Recently you've started writing an l next to it. You'll be writing your whole name before you know it. I love it! E is your trademark.
7. Elias. I love it how you play schools with your older siblings. They find work for you and set you up a work area. Mattea makes a chart and puts a sticker on it when you've finished your task. You love the attention, you are clever and smart.
8. Elias, I love that you have FINALLY started sleeping through... most nights anyway. A couple of times a week you still wake up crying and when you see me walk through the doorway you say, "Cup of Milk". I get one, you drink it, and you go straight back to sleep. Im back in bed within 2 minutes. Thankyou Elias for letting me get some sleep. I love sleep.
9. Elias, I love that your dad has brainwashed you into responding to the name Giovanni. Your dad loves to tease you and you love to tease him back. He has also brainwashed you into sometimes calling your teddy, who you call teddy, Bruce! The other day I asked you if your name was Bruce, and you said, "No, teddy is Bruce" I love your sense of humor E.
10. Elias, I love how excited you are about your party tomorrow. I have never seen you so excited about something before. It is a Minion Party and you LOVE the minions!! You keep talking to me about party hats, party bags and all the lollies that are going to be at your party. I want this party to be amazing because it's the first time you have ever been excited about you birthday. Last year we told you it was your birthday and you told us that it wasn't! I want you to love every minute. I want it to be perfect, just for you.
Elias, no words can describe my love for you. I'm so glad I have this year at home with just you. It is going to be so special. Your little voice, your little hand in mine, your little feet you like me to tickle... I want to treasure every moment.
HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
School's Back
And just like that, school has gone back.
Jazzy had an amazing idea last night: "How bout we go to school for one year and then stay home for one year..." Amazing idea but I dont think it would go down to well :)
Mattea also had an idea last night, " How bout I stay home, wear my trackies and snuggle on the couch all day." I didnt think that would go down too well either!
Although they had these amazing ideas I think they were very pleased to be going back and seeing their friends again. Jazzy was so nervous I had to force him to eat breakfast. This is a child who usually eats 6 pieces of toast!
It was harder than I thought letting Chi go. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He was so brave, I knew he was nervous but he was trying not to show it.
He looks so much bigger in his uniform this time. My how he blossomed in that one year.
Im so nervous, I do not want his confidence shattered... we worked so hard trying to build it up. We bulldozed through the walls he had built around him when he wasn't coping in class. We got past the meltdowns and started to achieve... a little...we had to do so much foundational work to get him to this place. My hope is that this will continue and that going back to school is a positive thing. Please keep him in your prayers. Im so thankful for the year I had at home with him. He went from a sad, little boy to a bright eyed, confident boy.
Now it is just Elias and I at home. A whole new world! Ive got so much I want to do this year that my head is in a blur and I don't know where to start! It's time to write lists !!!!!! The world makes more sense with lists!
Thanks for reading, Its definitely cup of tea time for me
Love Bec xxx
Jazzy had an amazing idea last night: "How bout we go to school for one year and then stay home for one year..." Amazing idea but I dont think it would go down to well :)
Mattea also had an idea last night, " How bout I stay home, wear my trackies and snuggle on the couch all day." I didnt think that would go down too well either!
Although they had these amazing ideas I think they were very pleased to be going back and seeing their friends again. Jazzy was so nervous I had to force him to eat breakfast. This is a child who usually eats 6 pieces of toast!
It was harder than I thought letting Chi go. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He was so brave, I knew he was nervous but he was trying not to show it.
He looks so much bigger in his uniform this time. My how he blossomed in that one year.
Im so nervous, I do not want his confidence shattered... we worked so hard trying to build it up. We bulldozed through the walls he had built around him when he wasn't coping in class. We got past the meltdowns and started to achieve... a little...we had to do so much foundational work to get him to this place. My hope is that this will continue and that going back to school is a positive thing. Please keep him in your prayers. Im so thankful for the year I had at home with him. He went from a sad, little boy to a bright eyed, confident boy.
Now it is just Elias and I at home. A whole new world! Ive got so much I want to do this year that my head is in a blur and I don't know where to start! It's time to write lists !!!!!! The world makes more sense with lists!
Thanks for reading, Its definitely cup of tea time for me
Love Bec xxx
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