A year ago.
A year ago a friend and I were saying, "In a years time we will look back on this and..."
A year ago life changed.
I expected things would be so much better by now... I expected that new and wonderful things would have happened. For some it may have, but this is my story, I cant tell anyone else's story.
Last week at Colour I saw people open and up and become really vulnerable as they shared their story. I fought back tears the whole conference. It's time for me to share a few thoughts and the struggles i've been facing since the church I helped plant and grew up in, the church I loved and gave everything to, without warning, came crashing down, leaving casualties galore.
I expected that the feelings of anger, betrayal and injustice would have eased by now. They are not as raw as they were of course, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel them.
I didn't expect that forgiveness would be such a big issue. I think i've forgiven certain people and then I think about them and feel so much anger. SO much anger. I was chatting to a friend about this earlier this week and she had some good advice... when you think about it, direct your anger at Satan and not the person. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. Yesterday I told God that I am lost and need help. I cant do it without Him.
I didn't expect that i'd be the one crying every second church service I go to, still. Everyone must think im a blubbering mess of a person. This is so not like me, or was not like me!!
I didn't expect to read blogs about broken people and sob cos I understand.
I didn't expect to become so critical of church's and their leadership. I look for power plays among the leadership. It's like i've become a spectator, watching what goes on and becoming critical of anything I dont think is 'normal'. Cant believe I just admitted that out loud!!
I didnt expect to feel so alone, and have to work out who I can trust all over again. I lost friends. Ive had to make new ones. After being in the same church for 22 years, this is daunting!!
I didnt expect going to church to become a decision i'd have to make. I'd always been so excited about going every week. I never considered not going.... I am in a great church now, don't get me wrong... but things haven't been the same since that day. When I see people all excited about church it just makes me miss what was.
At Colour, Christine Caine said that in 2014 she saw more Pastors under attack and brought down than ever before. The devil must be getting pretty desperate! She then went on to say that it wasn't God's plan. Yes I teared up, I believe what happened wasn't God's plan and if anyone tells me, "It was God's will", I will punch them hard! It's not God's will for people to be hurt and break. God is into building His church, He is into mercy and grace. Not tearing people down.
I really believe that 2015 is the year of restoration, body, soul and spirit.
I am going to be found in God's word as His living water brings healing.
I will keep my eyes on Jesus as I continue on this healing process.
Thanks for reading my thoughts. It's not easy being honest , but I feel like I need to. It's a part of the healing process.
Love Bec xxx