Thursday, July 31, 2014

6 years on...

Today marks 6 years since Todd whacked his head and has been suffering with Post Concussive Syndrome. What a life changing event. I just read through my journal from that time, and thought I would share some of what it was like...

On Wednesday 6th August 2008 I wrote in my journal: 

 "On Friday night Todd fainted. Chi was in the bathroom with him and BANG (that's what I heard) he passed out, whacked his head on the medicine cabinet and landed on my CD player (which now doesn't work) and a poor innocent toilet roll which is squashed. Chi came running out to me saying, "Daddy fall over", so I went in and he was lying there on the floor and he wouldn't respond to me! At first I thought he may be playing a trick on me,  but he wasn't!!  He came around, very confused and groggy, he brushed it off and went to bed. The next day he started to stutter and not be able to get words out. His head was still dizzy and groggy. By Sunday we finally got him to the Emergency Room. They did a brain scan and it came back clear, what a relief! It's hopefully just a bad concussion. To Todd's disgrace the Doctor has made him have a week off work! His speech has improved alot today which is good."

Tuesday 21st August I wrote:

"We went back to Emergency cos Todd wasnt getting any better. He now has another week off work, can't drive and has to go to the Brain Injury Clinic next week. Apparently Todd's brain will heal on it's own, it better! On Sunday night he couldnt work out how to get the car into reverse- weird as this brain stuff."

Saturday 30th August 2008 I wrote: 

Todd is still sick. We went to the Brain Injury Clinic and he has to have more tests to see if there is something really wrong with his brain. He has to have at least another month off work and isn't allowed to drive. He has to see a neuro-psychologist, clinical psychologist, an occupational therapist and a speech therapist- hmmmm- im trying not to worry- but it's hard. He is so not well at the moment and he cant do much without feeling sick.

Monday 8th September 2008: 

I'm so anxious. I just want to cry my eyes out, but I can't. Man i'm mad! I just want Todd to be normal again- i'm finding it so floppin hard. He has no sick days left and in fact has been overpaid 4 days. Oh my Goodness, we are stuffed!!! I really need God cos I cant shake the heaviness of the situation. Todd is ALWAYS sick and it's just terrible- not Todd- the sickness, HELP ME."

Thursday 30th October 2008: 

"Well didn't we get a surprise when we went to the clinic thismorning and the Doc said that Todd has stuff in his brain that's not normal, that had shown up on his MRI. Not quite what we were expecting. It could be MS. But we say 'No it's not in Jesus name'. Hmmmm... trying to stay positive. 

Hello present Bec back :)

Wow, all of that was 6 years ago... i'd like to add that during this time we had 3 kids under 3... Jazzy was 3 weeks old when Todd hit his head... craziness. Todd doesn't have MS, but we had to wait 6 months to get in to see the Brain specialist, so that was a worrying 6 months for sure!

Todd initially had 3 months off work and even now hasn't been able to work full time. He still has headaches daily and can't over do it, or he is back on the couch with all the side effects returning- stuttering, dizziness,  memory and concentration problems, low tolerance, grumpiness and depression. I used to dread Winter cos I knew he would get so down.  This winter has been so good, no depression!! YAY! But I must say, the memory still has a long way to go, don't expect him to remember everything you tell him :)  Stress and tiredness also bring these symptoms on. So when I say Todd is sick, or Todd's head is playing up again, you now know what i'm referring too. I'm constantly assessing everything he does and asking if he really thinks that's wise... sometimes something like mowing the lawn can put him on the couch for a day. I still have to drive regularly as his head just doesn't have the cognitive ability to do so. It's definitely altered our lifestyle and plans in life, but he is alive, and we have a lovely family, we are so blessed!! I used to always say to him, "No you CANNOT get a tattoo." But after all of this I was like, "Get a tattoo, it really doesn't matter, i'm just so glad you are alive"(so he got 3) Little things like that don't really matter in the big picture. 

Todd was always relaxed, easy going  and a real joker. I didn't see this Todd for about 5 years... he was a different person. But now he has started joking and teasing again. When I first saw it returning, I was like, "What on earth, he is crazy", and then I remembered, this was the Todd I married!  I'd forgotten.  Now when Todd smiles it makes me so happy, I appreciate every smile. There is nothing I love more than seeing him playing and laughing with the kids. 

The kids pray every night that God will make Daddy's head better. We see improvements and it is so encouraging, we are believing for total restoration! Please pray and believe with us!!! I am excited for the future! God has this!!!

Thanks for reading my memoirs lovely people
I still don't like that medicine cabinet ;)

Love Bec xx

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Kids vs Social Media

Does anyone else ever feel like sometimes they are the worst parent ever?

We recently had school holidays and I told Mattea that I would have a full day that I wouldn't  go on the computer at all, her whole face lit up and she was so happy. At the end of the holidays she comes to me and says, " You didn't have a day where you didn't go on your computer". Id totally forgotten! This makes me sad. Is doing absolutely nothing important on my computer more important than spending time with my kids? Of course not! I was so annoyed at myself. I felt like id let my kids down, and wasted precious moments with them. I still spent time with them, we had some lovely trips out and about as a family... but still the look on her face when I said about not using my computer was priceless, like i'd offered to buy her something amazing. I didn't realise how much me sitting at my computer impacted her.  Giving kids the attention they need is so important. If your child starts saying "Stupid facebook", like my girl has then it's time to make some changes.

So i've decided to pull back from social media just a bit. Im allocating myself times where I turn my computer off and put my phone down. How silly is it that i'm so addicted that I have to put these restrictions on myself. My kids are so precious to me and they are only little for such a short time. I already feel like i've wasted so much of their lives sitting here looking at this screen.

I want to be a better parent. I want to pay more attention to the little things. I dont want to be distracted and only give them half my attention cos i'm busy on my computer. I want to be in the moment with them (even if it gives me a headache). I want to eat tea without checking instagram... my goodness im a sad case.

Jazzy broke his tooth last night and had to get it fixed thismorning. I was sitting on my computer editing photos when  it happened and thought he was just being sooky, so i didn't pay him much attention. Todd cuddled him and gave him nurofen, and I sat here with my photos. As I sat there watching the  dentist fix his tooth I felt so bad. Why hadn't I been the one to give him cuddles when he was hurting. Why didn't I take his tears seriously, instead of brushing them off as sooky. He is back at school now and I just want to cuddle him and tell him how brave he is and how proud I am of him. It wont be long and he wont want my cuddles and kisses all the time. I must make the most of it now. I must get off the computer now and make sure Elias has eaten his lunch... I need to put my kids first, before my blog, before Facebook, before Instagram, before Pinterest, before editing photos...

So there you go... another ramble :)
Thanks for clicking on the link and reading, means lots

Love Bec x

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Winter Wonderland

Today we took the family on a snow hunt

Our adventure took us to the top of Mt Wellington. They had just re-opened the top and the snow was fresh and untouched. As we were playing the snow began to fall again, and for a moment all time stood still, and we got lost in a magical Winter Wonderland.

But keeping it real, it was FREEZING! Elias was out of the car for a few minutes before it all got too much and we returned him to the car, he watched us play from the window. Jazzy lasted a little bit longer before it all got too cold for him too. I must say this was the perfect opportunity to sing "Do you want to build a snowman?"Jaz bought a carrot along just incase.

 Let the snow fight begin...

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Jasiah- my ponderings the day before your 6th birthday x

My beautiful boy Jasiah Ezekiel turns 6 tomorrow. 

He is very,very special to me. Thinking about how dear he is to me makes me tear up. 

His eyes, his large dark green eyes, have me captivated. 

He was our surprise baby! I had no idea I was pregnant until about the 10th week... I just thought I felt sick cos Id been on a detox diet! I thought my friend Meika was crazy when she suggested I should do a pregnancy test, i'd just had a baby, as if i'd be pregnant... HA! He was born when Mattea was only 13 months! Malachi was 2.5. Crazy times. My 3 under 3 are now 6, 7 and 8... time flies!!
He was my biggest baby, 9 pound 2 ounces and with a big head. He was 10 days overdue. I burst all the blood vessels in my eyes pushing him out! I was humiliated cos an ambo training guy watched the labor, his first labor viewing, Todd reckons watching his face was more exciting that watching the Jazzy come out.  

When he was a toddler he had the reputation of being 'rough'. He bit a newborn babies toe at playgroup once (so embarrassing). If another child was crying, it was prob Jaz's fault.I felt like I couldn't take him anywhere cos he would play up and embarrass me.  But now, he is so tender hearted. Although he often still has that cheeky look, and by no means is perfect!

I feel the need to protect him more than I have felt with any of my other kids. (I dont know why)

I dreaded the day he had to go to Kinder more than any of my other kids. I was convinced he wasn't ready. They pulled him away from me, he was screaming and my heart broke... i sobbed and sobbed and didn't care who saw me!

He is complex, in a way I cant describe. He says things he doesn't mean, like, "I hate you", when he really means, "I love you".  

If he has to make a decision he changes his mind every few minutes. You never go by his first answer, or his second...

I love the way he talks.

I love the way he puckers his lips when he gives you a kiss.

I love to dramatically kiss his salty tears, and make him laugh when he is upset. Seeing tears tumble from his big eyes does crazy things to my heart. I want to protect him from all hurt, I know I cant.

He loves to play with your hair while he talks to you. He strokes it and twists it while he speaks, right up close to your face.

I know that when I get him dressed it will only take about 5 minutes for him to get dirty... I dont know how he does it.  Always grotty.

He seems so scatterbrained, but sometimes will come out with something extremely intelligent and surprise us all! What goes on inside of that head of yours my boy? Yesterday he just started playing the drums, I mean, flip child!

Jazzy is a hoarder! He collects empty toilet rolls, empty boxes, pretty much anything actually, and creates things with them. He is so clever and inventive. I'm continually amazed at his creativeness. I regularly have to go to his bedroom and de-clutter his treasures, empty bottles, pieces of string, empty tooth paste tubes etc. He has claimed the area under the outside back steps and calls it his workshop... this is where he likes to create... like a mad professor.  He will happily tinker away on his inventions for ages. I seriously think that one day he will surprise the world with his genuineness. No-one would be expecting it. Watch out!

Thankyou Jasiah Ezekiel for being my precious 3rd child. I want to be the best mum that I can be for you. I want you to dream and succeed. I want you to laugh and have fun. I want you to grow and be an amazing man of God. I love you.